The Widow’s Wilderness
By DiEsha Carter
Los Angeles, California, USA
Will I die in the wilderness?
“Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commandments”. Deuteronomy 8:2.
When I think of the wilderness, I honestly think of a scary place. Isolated from community and civilization, surrounded by forest and trees; no human tour guide and one of the best places on earth to get lost; not a place I’d choose to spend a considerable amount of time. Metaphorically speaking, our emotional wilderness can have the same effect. On April 7, 2017, I found myself scared, emotionally isolated, trapped in a forest of pity, sorrow, and sadness as the man I’d grown to love so deeply took his last fleeting breath. With no warning and no way out, suddenly my life was ahead of schedule and under no circumstances was I able to stop the emotional train wreck that was headed for my entire being. Heart failure would be inevitable as I wrestled with the after effect that death has on the living. I felt pinned to a life I did not choose, nor did I desire. I was alone, drowning in tears, unstable, and weak; with no clue of how to navigate the painful path of grief, constantly asking myself, what do I do now? Die in the wilderness or make it to the promised land?
Tears -- liquid words.
“And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where we had our first date, and I’ll court her. I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope… And then I’ll marry you for good-forever! I’ll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I’ll marry you and neither leave your nor let you go. You’ll know me, GOD, for who I really am.” Hosea 2:14, 19 MSG
When my husband Hekima died, to say that I was heartbroken would be putting it lightly. My heart was shattered into a million little pieces. I was insecure, grief stricken, and terrified about my future. If you would have told me three years ago that my heart would be whole again, I would not have believed it. There was no way that the devastation that took place in my heart and in my life was repairable. I had just lost half of me; and one half, all by itself, could never make a whole. I honestly thought I would forever be broken on the inside. But little did I know that it would be through Kima’s death that God would begin to show me a whole new side of who He was. In death, God was asking me to renew our vows and the wilderness would be where we’d spend our honeymoon.
“Lord, you know all my desires and deepest longings. My tears are liquid words, and you can read them all”. Psalms 38:9 TPT.
Tears – liquid words. I was lost. Lost in heartache, lost in fear, and lost in life. I made a promise to myself that I would give in to every emotion. When I wasn’t okay, I would not pretend to be okay. One day “our song” came on the radio. Hearing that song flooded my soul with sweet painful memories of a love I once shared with an amazing man of God. Instead of turning the radio off, I embraced the moment and took in all of what I was feeling in that place and time. I sat in Target’s parking lot and cried for 30 minutes. I allowed myself to feel the pain of those sweet memories. I refused to rush into feeling anything other than love and loss. My inner being needed to process the pain and I vowed to never betray my soul by wiping my tears away prematurely. I would not hasten the moment as we so often do as human beings. My heart was present for each teardrop and God was listening to every liquid word.
Encountering the true lover of my soul.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong firm and steadfast. I Peter 5:10.
The more I lamented without pretense or inhibition, the more I began to feel God’s overwhelming presence of comfort. The more comfort, the more pieces of broken heart were being stitched together again. It was like God was performing heart surgery through my suffering! I wasn’t in the word every day nor was I praying; I was hurt and in pain and the only thing I could do was feel the weight of my darkest hour. My continual release of wails, sobs, and moans were bringing me closer and closer to the God of compassion.
I cannot remember when it happened but one day, I noticed that my heart -- that vital organ that sat in the middle of my chest -- the place where I had felt the deepest pain, was no longer broken. I felt whole! My heart was strong, beating, and healed. I could not believe it! I would still grieve, but my grief would come from a place of loss and not despair. The eyes of my heart were no longer dark, they were full of life and light. My life was not over, I was called to live a new chapter by faith to the glory of God. The way that God showed up for me I knew that I was loved beyond measure. His love was being poured into my heart out loud and on purpose and that made all the difference in the wilderness. My Lover was with me, I had nothing to fear. The God of the living was taking care of His daughter in ways that I never could have imagined. When I saw the promises of God come true in my life, my feeble knees started getting strong. “God is not human, that He should lie, not a human being, that He should change his mind. Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill?” Numbers 23:19. God had been true to His promises. He truly was the God of all comfort - 2 Corinthians 1:3; He never left me alone - Deuteronomy 31:8; He was a friend – John 15:15; He cared – I Peter 5:7; He provided – Philippians 4:19. He protected – Psalms 68:5; and He became my Peace – John 14:27.
I still have days when I can’t get out of bed. Birthdays and holidays are some of the hardest to get through. But my human lover was no match for the lover of my soul. God can lure me into the wilderness anytime He wants. The wilderness is where I learned how deeply of a lover my God truly is.
My name is DiEsha Carter. I’ve been a disciple of Jesus and apart of the L.A. Church of Christ for 25 years. I was married for 19 years and became a widow in 2017. I have the privilege of being mom to three incredible young men. I consider it an honor to have a second chance at living a life that is fully devoted to the Lord again. Like most, I’ve learned a lot about God and myself over the years. I am an artist – a Christian rapper, and I find myself slowly drifting away from music into the world of writing. I’m crossing life stages and find that I am no longer a “young woman” (I’m 44), but that it is now time for me to teach the young women as they grow in their faith.
I currently lead a small group of women affectionately known as the Women of Worship (WOW). I am actively pursuing my desire to create content for the global women’s ministry through devotionals, blogging, podcasting, and creating YouTube videos designed to explore what authentic Christian living looks like and to teach and train young women on how become strong in the Lord. I am a shepherd at heart and tend to err on the side of love, grace, mercy, and truth.
24 Comments
Feb 24, 2022, 2:57:13 PM
Amy - I am using this platform to reach out to others who are widow or widower with young children still raising. Does anyone know of a respurce across the ICOC where we can start a process of having people to contact? Any help isappreciated!!
Jan 12, 2022, 2:18:59 PM
Toko Muodzi Ross - Thank you very much for your inspiring words.
Dec 19, 2020, 10:36:29 AM
Tiffany Nelson - DiEsha- what an amazing piece of written work that lays your heart so humbly before God and the sisters. It’s amazing. Thank you for sharing.
Dec 16, 2020, 5:07:43 PM
Yoshica Mitchell - My friend, thank you for sharing your journey through the wilderness. I love your heart on “liquid words”. Mind blown! God has used you to speak to countless times and He still is. I love you and value you vulnerability
Dec 12, 2020, 12:35:51 PM
Theresa Tolentino - Hi DiEsha, You are a great inspiration to all of us! Thank you. You have moved my heart to persevere in my Love & walk with God! God is always faithful!! God is close to the broken-hearted! Psalm 34:18. I Love You
Dec 12, 2020, 8:02:28 AM
Sister Saundra Marie - Yes! You are a writer. Your sound resonates in whichever art form you choose. I Love the analogy of the emotional wilderness and the awareness of liquid words - Profound. I love how your journey continues with your truest lover of life, our Heavenly Father. Thank you for scriptures to bring us from your story back to Him, our Lord and Savior.
Dec 11, 2020, 11:49:49 PM
Dy'Shaun - My Sister, Thank You! Sharing such a love story can only be done so eloquently when guided by the Holy Spirit. I felt every word with emotion. You have brought all that read your words one step closer to the wonderful Love that God has for us. Thank you for allowing you heart to feel each emotion as it came and sharing just a piece of His unfailing love.
Dec 11, 2020, 3:22:03 PM
Hasina Grundy - Beautifully illustrated, so intentional and humble. This personal heartfelt devotional teaches us all that there is no greater Love than that which comes from Our Heavenly Father. Here we are reminded that at our weakest point that is when God is closest to our heart.
Dec 11, 2020, 1:53:13 PM
Ari Easley-Garcia - So beautiful DiEsha .... Tears = liquid words. God has shown is immense love through the suffering and now it is producing healing for you and encouraging so many. You are a loved woman of God....we see, hear, and know God’s not done yet. Can’t wait to see your vision, goals, and plans to glorify Him and live this season of life to the full. Love you sister friend
Dec 11, 2020, 3:55:13 AM
Dawn Williams - WOW!! You are an amazing women after God’s own heart!! So proud of your trust and perseverance to follow faith. What an awesome example to us all that we have so much to be grateful for. God has great plans for your life. Love you dearly, thanks for sharing. P.S. Can’t wait to buy your first book!
Dec 10, 2020, 4:01:20 PM
Sherlett Newbill - This is a fantastic piece. DiEsha! you have found and listen to your calling. This has really defined what the wilderness looks like. The depths of where we can go and how God is patience to lead us close to HIM. This was so .powerful and the scriptures are a reminders of His LOVE. Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable and letting us into your heart and world through words. AMAZING!!!!!!
Dec 10, 2020, 10:16:58 AM
Debbie Legardy - Inspired by your journey and delighted that God continues to use you to help others persevere, even when our lives change into something we have not prepared for. Looking forward to reading more of your writings. I’m sure your hubby would be so proud of you! Fight on my dear sister and know that our God will always be with you! Love you!
Dec 10, 2020, 7:11:57 AM
Joseph Wilson - Well , I hate to admit this but you my sister almost brought me to tears . Wow, the pain you went through and allowing yourself to feel each emotion speaks volumes of who God is growing you to be . Even in our darkest moments God is sitting there with his arms wide open saying come to me my child . It is during our hardest challenges in life when God can guide us through . It is a privilege and honor to have met a God fearing man as Hekima . You both have taught me so much while I am on this journey called life . Please keep sharing your life and challenges with others. It helps us all. I love you Sista, To God Be The Glory
Dec 9, 2020, 11:01:17 PM
Barbara Jones - I have seen you do lots of work for the lord and strength you have to come back from the pain from the lost of your husband. I may him. . I am so proud of you and your sons. Great memories ❤️. Great mother also . I need some of that strength . God is using you to help others !!!
Dec 9, 2020, 8:09:17 PM
Carolyn Baker - Incredible story by a super incredible woman. Im glad you found your way in ther wilderness with your liquid words. You are very inspiring. Our God is an awesome God. I am grateful to know you. Thank you for sharing your heart
Dec 9, 2020, 6:27:50 PM
Nicole Turner - Diesha thank you so much for pouring your heart out in written and liquid words. Your words remind me of this scripture He has brought us by faith into this experience of God's grace, in which we now live. And so we boast of the hope we have of sharing God's glory! We also boast of our troubles, because we know that trouble produces endurance, endurance brings God's approval, and his approval creates hope. This hope does not disappoint us, for God has poured out his love into our hearts by means of the Holy Spirit, who is God's gift to us. Romans 5:2-5 GNT Thank you for your example of love.hope and perseverance.
Dec 9, 2020, 5:13:57 PM
Farlene - Thank You Sis for being the creative and passionate friend in my life. You were there for me when my king went to Heaven and you along with Our God walked with me through that lonely place. I can confirm God truly lives and cares for widows. Thank You!
Dec 9, 2020, 4:49:40 PM
Suzanné - Powerful! Thank you DiEsha for sharing your heart with us. Thank you for allowing God, our Abba, to take care of you in the wilderness. To God be the glory!! I love The Passion Translation of Psalm 38:9.
Dec 9, 2020, 4:21:16 PM
Tiffanie Thomas - This writing is so beautiful! This writing from the heart took me through so many emotions that I’ve felt on my journey and revealed some fears of as well. But it definitely restored hope into God for me. This is a confirmation for me that what I/we go through is no mistake and everything counts to give glory to our Heavenly Father!! I’m in the wilderness now and am going through...don’t know where God is taking me, but I know He loves me so much! He loves you so much Diesha
Dec 9, 2020, 4:19:38 PM
Lisa Morris - Thank you for sharing your journey. I pray that as God continues to reveal His unfailing love to you that many other brothers and sisters can find encouragement and strength from your words as they may be going through anything that brings us to the wilderness.
Dec 9, 2020, 3:52:34 PM
Diane Bonds - My sister in Christ awesome message to deliver to The Young and the old, that you're able to share your story and your life trials and tribulations to build others and to let them know God is always present. We just have to call on him, trust in him, and believe in his promise. Continue encouraging others and I would truly continue to share your inspiration with others as you has done so for me. May the Lord keep you and your Three Sons.
Dec 9, 2020, 3:19:20 PM
Beverly Bryant - Amen. Thank you for sharing your life with us. The Target parking lot story broke me down. I tend to wipe my tears away prematurely on a regular basis, but I know I should let myself feel the pain. But it hurts! Thank you for your vulnerability and wisdom. Amen
Dec 6, 2020, 1:34:03 PM
Sanj - Thank you for sharing so vulnerably and moving me to tears about the love of our Father.
Dec 2, 2020, 12:24:31 AM
ABOLARINWA OMOBOLA E - Thank you DiEsha Carter for taking us through your journey of grief to embracing God's love. May He continue to keep you and us, closer to His heart. Amen.