Becoming Empty Nesters: God Continues To Help Us Grow!

Angel M. DeLory, Dallas, Texas, USA

Challenging Changes 

My youngest child graduated and moved away from home a couple years ago. My husband, Matt, and I became empty nesters. I was grief stricken. I didn't know what to do next. This new phase of life proved to be more challenging than I ever expected. I wasn't sure how to behave. My sadness was overwhelming. To add to my pain, none of my children had decided to follow God. 

At some point, each of our children had studied the Bible, but every one of them decided to go a different way at this point in their lives. As they left home, and began their own journeys, I felt more and more like a failure. I have been a disciple for over thirty years. I've studied the Bible with countless women, many of whom became disciples and have remained faithful to God. Yet somehow, I couldn't help my own children follow God. Thankfully, God is faithful and continues to teach me.  Recently I took a class called Good Enough Parenting by John and Karen Louis. At first, I thought the class was not for me. My kids are grown. But I thought, since we help other parents in our ministry, maybe this class will be good for us.  

Background

An important lesson I learned was that “military parenting” isn’t the answer. My husband and I both grew up in very strict families. My mother's father was in the military service, and she disciplined like a drill sergeant. There was very little talk, emotional nurturing or trying to understand us as children. I mean no disrespect to my mom, this is what she learned and how her parents taught her, and she is now a disciple! My time in the United States Army as a soldier also reinforced this belief in strict discipline. Sadly, I often felt unloved, insecure, and alone during my childhood. I am not sure why I chose to use the same parenting technique for my children. God only knows. In all honesty, my parenting style was somewhat different from my parents, but it was enough like the military for my children to experience those same feelings I had as a child. Despite the difference between my and my parents’ discipline, the expectation to be quiet and do what you were told was quite the same. There was an expectation of no questions, whining or complaining. Just do what I say and obey at once! Don’t get me wrong, I believe we need to teach our children to obey and to have a heart of obedience; I just think there is more to it.   

God’s Teaching

Ephesians 6:4 says: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." This idea was familiar to me even before taking the Good Enough Parenting course. I had heard it many times over the years and even talked about the scripture with my husband. However, the definition of “exasperate” eluded me.  What did that word mean, anyway? 

It means to provoke my children or to push them emotionally beyond their limits; to irritate and frustrate them intensely.  

Yikes! I am sure I did this a time or two. If I did not agree with my children’s actions, I was quick to discipline their behavior. I thought my discipline was godly and that as a form of respect, they needed to obey no matter what. That is not what the scriptures are talking about. Exasperating my children is a lack of love. It's a lack of listening, compassion, and understanding. 

My children have had difficult times emotionally over the years. I can't help but wonder if it's because of my parenting? While God has been teaching me about my lack of love in my parenting, I have begun to reach out to my children and share with them what I have been learning. They have been gracious, merciful, kind and have even made excuses for my poor parenting. I have apologized and I continue growing with God’s help. I am hopeful that God will allow me to see my children walk with him one day.  

Current Growth

Recently, some of that growth came through a lesson with my grandchildren. Averi, who was six, and Ezra, who was eight, can be very argumentative with each other! Normally, they are pals and look out for each other but when they are not getting their way, boy can they fight! When the fighting begins, I tell them something along the lines of "knock it off,” “you know better than that,” “you need to love each other and work this out nicely."  If that doesn't work, then additional discipline is taken. On one occasion, I was going to my son’s home to help them pack for their upcoming move. While driving there, I was thinking about exasperation and how I could be different. I thought, when the kids start fighting today, I'm going to try drawing them out and asking more questions rather than just demanding they stop. But as I drove, I laughed and thought, “Why bother, that's never going to work!”

I was there only a short time before the arguing started. 

That's my toy, Averi screamed!
I had it first, Ezra said!

I started to say my usual, “knock it off,” “stop,” “you guys know better!” But instead, I decided to try what I was learning. I asked Averi to come talk with me. She was scared at first, probably due to my lack of love and patience with her in the past, but after some reassurance, she agreed. She was angry. At first it was all about the toy her brother took from her. As I asked more questions, her little eyes teared up and she said, “Nana, I'm tired of moving. My toys are in that box, my clothes are in that box. I've been sleeping on the floor for days. I don't want to move anymore!” 

Wow! I really thought this was just about the toy! I had no idea what I was missing. I wonder now, how many times I missed what was really going on in their young hearts. What's really happening in their little brains? What was I missing here with Averi? All her important belongings were in boxes, and she had not seen them in almost two weeks. How can my six-year-old understand? Can she process this on her own? Honestly, even as an adult, moving is hard. I spent eight years in the Army and living without my things was challenging. I moved often over a period of eight years and the moves did not get any easier. It was clear to me that day, God wanted me to learn and grow. I asked Averi a few more questions and was shocked by the things she shared. By taking the time to listen and help her feel loved and safe, she opened up. She desperately needed somebody to help her process the things she was going through. Another book I read, Real Love in Parenting, by Greg Baer, says children act out because they don't feel loved.

I believe this is true. Young children, preteens, teens, even adults, if we asked them, “the last time that you acted out in some way – screamed, yelled, cursed, fought...how did you feel? Did you feel unloved?” I am sure most would say yes, they felt unloved. I can see with my children and grandchildren, the more loved they feel, the better they do. 

Our growth affects others

My learning was helping my family but what about the world around me? Can I apply these same principles to others? 

On another occasion, I was substitute teaching for a first-grade class. One child was bouncing off the walls. He just wouldn’t stay in his seat. A couple hours into the day, I decided to try my new parenting lessons with him. I asked him to come sit with me. He said no, immediately. He had that same kind of fear of being in trouble that my granddaughter had. I reassured him that he was not in trouble and to get his coloring things and come sit at my desk. We colored, talked, and giggled for a while. Then I asked about his family. He said, “Ms. D, can I tell you something?” Then he said, “last night, they came to my house, and they put these things on my mommy's wrists, and they put her hands behind her back, and they took her away. Ms. D, I don't know where they took my mommy!” Oh, my goodness! The things I miss by being in a hurry and not taking the time to make others feel loved. I rubbed his back that day and let him talk. He desperately needed someone to help him! 

Final thoughts

Both this young boy and my granddaughter were struggling. Both needed to feel loved and safe and free to work through their thoughts and feelings. I was amazed at what a little bit of attention could do. God is teaching me what he wants me to be like and what He's like with me. One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 18:35 NCV: “You protect me with your saving shield. You support me with your right hand. You have stooped to make me great.” 

Here is the creator of the universe, despite all my craziness, all my sin, all the things that I mess up daily, here is my heavenly father who takes the time to stoop down to make me great. I just marvel at the way God treats me. This is the kind of parenting God wants from me. God wants me to take the time to stoop down and make them great!

Angel DeLory is 57 years old and has been a faithful disciple for thirty years. With her husband, Matt, they have been Bible Talk leaders in the Dallas ICOC since the early '90s. They have three children and four grandchildren. They love to teach the Bible and have friends and family in their home. Recently, Matt and Angel joined the Strength In Weakness (https://www.strengthinweakness.org) ministry staff. They allow God to use them as they continue to grow.