DIVORCE: NAVIGATING THE TREACHEROUS JOURNEY

Catherine Peters, Trinidad and Tobago

Life is great! Life is also plagued by sin, loss, pain and grief. Statistics reveal we’ve got an epidemic on our hands. It is distressing for me to admit that the divorce stats within religious institutions are just as alarming as outside them. You would think that with all the divine resources at our disposal, we would be doing much better than those out there in the world. The cold, bitter truth is that Christian believers are just as susceptible to divorce as non-Christians. Even more distressing for me to admit, is that my marriage is among the disappointing statistics within the Christian community.

I never imagined that my ex-husband and I, who “became one” in August of 1992 would revert to “two” ever again….like ever!! I can’t sugar-coat it, there are few life events that are more painful, distressing and downright traumatic than the end of a relationship, especially an intimate relationship like marriage. It is often likened to physical death. At least, that’s what it felt like to me. It’s the death of
all your dreams, plans and even fantasies you had about your future together. Charles R. Swindoll, in his book “Getting Through the Tough Stuff,” says of divorce, “History tells the sad tale that once a nation’s homes are permanently fractured, the nation will crumble at its foundation.”


Even the most amicable of divorces (which certainly did not describe mine) can take a toll on one’s emotional well-being. Feelings of rejection, disappointment, betrayal, anger, resentment and a flurry of other emotions, banked on top of the stress that accompanies such a huge, undesirable life alteration, can be very overwhelming to say the least. Navigating through the process of divorce is no “walk in the park.” There are many stages and periods of adjustment, depending on your life situation and other factors, including the presence of children, etc. For me, understanding and coming to terms with all my emotions and the stages that presented themselves were crucial.

It is my hope that as I attempt to share my divorce experience below, some of you reading this who are in a similar situation or considering divorce, will find it useful as you deal with your own matter. It would be super encouraging if some who are in the throes of the divorce process right now could be prompted (as I relate the destructive nature of the breaking of marriage vows) to strongly reconsider the option of divorce and give your union the second or third chance it may need for God to work a miracle in your lives.

My Story
I entered God’s Kingdom in 1995 with a marriage in crisis. Honestly, apart from getting my relationship with God in order, I had hoped that not only my soul would be saved, but my ailing marriage as well.

Keeping a marriage alive is hard work! Can we agree on that? Any marriage can go through breakdown, meltdown, whatever you want to call it. I found out that nothing exposes who you really are as an individual like the marriage act. My ex-husband and I, like most others, entered marriage with very unrealistic, romanticised expectations. We presented ourselves to each other, two different
personalities, two different styles of upbringing, two different ways of communicating, etc. etc., yet we thought it would be “a piece ah cake” to step out of the chariot, set up house, have a few kids and ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after! Like…..really??

I once heard it said from the pulpit that “before marriage, opposites attract; after marriage, opposites attack!” Many (myself included) have experienced the sad reality of that statement.

How Did We Get Here?
As I considered divorce after spending seventeen years in a tumultuous relationship, I thought of all the “rubble” we may have carried on our backs for most of those years. Perhaps there were unresolved life issues that we were unaware of, unhealed wounds from previous relationships (which may have
resurfaced as “triggers”), co-dependency issues, left-over fragments from the possibly dysfunctional lifestyles we lived with our families of origin; the list could be extensive. The enemy could have used any or all of these issues to attack our marriage and we were obviously clueless! I thought to myself, our conflict resolution strategies were sadly lacking on both sides (we were at each
other’s throats many a time); improper money management was the source of many a squabble. Our boundary lines had fallen in too many unpleasant places and in some other cases, boundary lines did not even exist!
It occurred to me (as I pondered in the aftermath of divorce), a lot of victims of divorce went into marriage not having a clear and proper understanding of who we really are, before joining forces with another human in Holy Matrimony. Worse, if you had not as yet truly discovered your own unique personality, your deep longings, your strengths and weaknesses, you’re in for a few surprises. If you got
married very young and your physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs were perhaps not yet clearly defined, how then were you to effectively deal with the unexpected issues like bad morning breath, upturned toilet seats, capless toothpaste tubes, weight fluctuations, burnt dinners, tv addiction and sudden, unexplained mood swings? If you did not have that deep understanding of yourself – your temperament – you would have had no clue about what you needed in a person who was about to become your lifetime room-mate, financial partner, children’s father and leader of your household.

Why did I share all the above? Two reasons: 1) Some of those issues contributed to the breakdown and eventual death of my own marriage over the seventeen years we cohabited. 2) In order to move forward, I believe it helps to understand how we got to this place of separation/divorce in the first place. This understanding, for me, contributes to the healing process, long after the divorce papers are served and signed.

How to Begin to Heal?
So how did I tackle this healing process? For starters, I went to the Master Healer in prayer and sometimes fasting. I sought godly counsel by simply spending time talking to sisters who had been through a divorce and had survived in a way that was God-honouring. I read tons of spiritual material on the topic of divorce and how to get through it alive and in one piece. Following are the major steps I
took to maintain my sanity and sense of well-being and godliness.

1) Acceptance
I felt there was no point in sinking to a place of denial or wallowing in self-pity. I needed to accept (hard as that was) that my marriage was over. I felt resolved that I had tried all that was humanly possible to save the relationship, but truth be told, if only one partner is on board when it comes to using godly principles for moving forward (as it was in my case) , then that union is in big trouble and has no good future. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go; set them free. God hates divorce, but it is my personal view that He hates a marriage fraught with unrepentant sin and conflict even more. Neither brings Him glory!

2) Acknowledge Pain/Mourn the Loss
I felt my pain! I cried ugly tears! I talked! I cried again and talked again and it pained again! I leaned deeply into my emotions with no shame. I owned them – all of them – the anger, the feelings of betrayal, the resentment, the sadness, the heart-break - they hurt and they hurt bad! I held on to scriptures like Psalm 34:17-18 and was encouraged that God heard all my cries, was still close to the broken-hearted and that He saves those who are crushed in spirit. He assured me in Romans 8:28, that even in that painful time and situation, all those things will
together work out for my good and according to His purpose. Those and many other scriptures comforted me.

3) Self-Care
After I got a grip on my intense emotions, I fought to pull myself together and not go under. I was determined not to become a bitter, resentful divorcee, who hated, not only my ex, but the world he (and I) lived in. God, in His mercy and goodness, supplied much-needed grace that allowed me to feed off the positive energy of the sisters who rallied around and supported me during this difficult period. I found solace in revisiting the things that brought me joy and nourished my soul, like baking, looking at uplifting movies, staying more in touch with my besties and just generally finding ways to relieve my stress and anxiety. I got more involved in Bible studies and helping others get to know God more intimately. That proved to be so therapeutic for me during that dark period of my life; it helped me to take the focus off myself and my woes and, instead, direct it
towards helping other women with their life issues. It was so refreshing to be back in the battle and involved in my real purpose of helping other women in their life transformations. Matthew 6:33 rang through loud and clear! Take care of God’s business first and He will take care of all of mine.

4) Forgiveness
Journeying through the path of forgiveness was long and tedious! Each time I thought I had forgiven my ex-husband, many evidences proved otherwise. It was really difficult to let go of the pain and heartache that he had (it seemed) cold-heartedly inflicted upon me. I realised as well, that I needed to forgive myself for making some bad choices and having some not-so-godly responses to my ex-husband’s sinful behavior. It took me some time to get to the place of understanding and accepting that I too had to take one hundred percent responsibility for my part (however small I perceived that to be) in the breakdown of my marriage. That was a hard pill to swallow, because I fell into the enemy’s trap of comparing my sin to my spouse’s….big mistake! Ephesians 4:32 brought me to conviction, as it admonished me to forgive others as Christ forgave and continues to forgive me. It freed me up to go forward into my new season with purity of heart and a clear conscience before God. Also, unforgiveness is sin and sin blocks our communication with God. I wanted no part of anything that separated me once again from the only being who could rescue me from the dark abyss into which I had fallen. Forgiveness, I’m now very convinced, is an integral part of the restoration of one’s soul and relationship with God, as we navigate through any repentance process.

5) Support Team/Safe People
I am so eternally grateful for the small group of women (and a lesser number of brothers) who listened to me ramble on and on for sometimes hours on end, held my hand, wiped my many tears and patiently and carefully lifted me out of the pit of despair. They journeyed with me through the grief, through the mourning, onto the rocky pathway to recovery, all in such a non-judgmental manner, that the light at the end of the long, dark tunnel appeared so much brighter and seemed to have approached so much faster. Support and accountability, I have come to
realise, are key contributors to the healing and recovery process.

6) My Pain….My Gain
Wallowing in my pain for extended periods did not seem in any way attractive or beneficial to me. I used the sources of my pain to do what they were designed to do; teach me some hard life lessons that I never want to forget. Those lessons now help me to become a better version of myself; they completely changed the narrative of my life to one that so much more glorifies God and brings honour to His name. I use those lessons too to motivate and inspire other women on their own journey to transformation and healing.

7) Taking Time to Heal…..One Day at a Time
I cannot stress enough the importance of taking your own time to heal and recover from the emotional and spiritual destruction of divorce. The journey to recovery and healing can be almost as daunting as the divorce process itself and time does not necessarily heal all the wounds (as people tend to promise). Some wounds leave very deep scars and the pain can seem unending. If one ignores this step of taking their time – one day at a time - one runs the risk of taking all the negative emotions and baggage into future relationships, intimate or otherwise, thus negatively impacting on the emotional stability of those relationships. We then wonder what’s happening to us; questioning why all our relationships seem chaotic or even fruitless. Healing takes time….take the time to heal! I continue, even today, to thank God and His people for being on this grief journey with me. I thank Him for extending His hand and His heart and meeting me right where I was, in the middle of my mess and my pain, thinking it was the end of my world. He helped me take the first step, then the next, then the

next. He carefully and patiently took all the broken parts of me, knitted them together again and made me whole once more. It was then I started looking toward the future with a fresh new perspective on hat I wanted my new life in Him to look like. The future seemed sparkling bright! Philippians 3:12-14
encouraged me to forget what was behind and to strain towards what was ahead. I did exactly that. It was quite a process, but I finally put the darkness of divorce and all that it represented behind me and strained towards what was ahead; a new season, a new chapter, a new life full of grace and continued hope in Christ Jesus

BIO  for  Catherine Peters:

I am 67 years old and have been a faithful disciple of the Port-of-Spain Church of Christ, Trinidad and Tobago, for the past twenty-seven years.

I was also a member of the 1997 Mission Team, which was charged with the awesome responsibility of planting the seeds that grew into the now fully-established South Sector of the Port-of-Spain Church of Christ and am still a part of that fellowship to this date.

On the more personal end, I am divorced with one adult child and one grandchild