Finding Mr. Right

by Leslie De Morais

January 2023

In this digital and fast paced world, what’s the best way for a Christian woman to find a boyfriend, a husband, a soulmate, her perfect partner in life…her Mr. Right? Does he exist or is he a mythical man always just out of reach? Is a lasting relationship even a thing anymore?

So it’s 2023 and you’ve decided, this is the year you’ll find Mr. Right. You’re determined. You’re decisive. Let’s face it, you’re a little desperate.

You’re tired of being alone. You’re not excited about the guys you already know. You’re disappointed that the men you’re attracted to aren’t attracted to you. You’re fed up with being a bride’s maid. Your internal clock keeps ticking, ticking, ticking… You’re wondering why it’s taking sooooo long, as Freddy Mercury put it, to find somebody to love. So, why is it taking so long?

I’m glad you asked. I have some ideas. Let’s get to it.

No control

As a Christian woman, you play by a different set of rules than other women. There are lines you won’t cross, games you won’t play. That’s good. That’s right. But it can be frustrating because you can’t control your dating situation. There are established roles and behaviors that Christian men and women adhere to and the waiting is driving you crazy. So, what can you do while you wait for a man to show serious interest in you?

While still single and living in New York City, I experienced something that changed my mind about dating forever as a young Christian woman in my 20s. I was riding a bus across town on a cold winter day, when a woman in a long coat got on the bus. After paying her fare, she turned toward the passengers, scanning the bus for a place to sit. On her coat was a really large button, you know, the kind you see people wear during political rallies, pinned to her lapel. It read, “Finding Mr. Right isn’t as important as becoming Mrs. Right.” The phrase immediately and completely shifted my thinking and the focus of that ever eternal search. In an instant, I realized that I had the dating dilemma backwards and the real question emerged: Was I the kind of person that a guy I’d like to marry would be interested in?

Mind blown, insecurity set in. Yikes! I didn’t know if I liked where this was going. I could sense the personal challenges popping up all around me. But didn’t I want to date and eventually get married? Yes. So, I supposed the message on that button had a point. I had some work to do.

If you’re honest with yourself and even the least bit self-aware, you’re probably thinking you have some work to do, too. Here’s what I’ve learned about becoming Mrs. Right (AKA: being able to be noticed by Mr. Right):

1. Grow in your relationship with God.

Before any of us can have a successful relationship with another human being, we need to work on our relationship with God. The deeper your connection with Him, the more prepared you’ll be to connect with others. Watch your motivation, though. Don’t use your relationship with God just to get what you want in a future mate. Seek God because He deserves your undivided attention, your sincere gratitude and love.

As you learn to love God selflessly, you will begin to understand some essential keys to lasting human connection, like: sacrifice, serving, and putting others before yourself. The humility that we develop in our friendship with God is fundamental in a relationship we hope will turn into a life long partnership.

Ask yourself: Is it hard for you to find quality time to be with God (reading, praying, reflecting, etc.)? If you don’t strengthen that relationship first, it will only become more challenging later if you do find a romantic focus.

2. Keep busy: serving, leading, using your talents.

I have often heard guys from church say that they observed their current love interest (or now wife) serving in some way and it sparked a desire to get to know her better. Why? Men love kind and caring women who bring something to the table. They envision a future partner by their side who will not only meet their needs but keep up with them spiritually and intellectually (just as you have your vision about your future guy). Nobody likes a sulky, half-hearted, uncommitted complainer. Get excited about some aspect of service and give your whole heart to it. It’s a very attractive characteristic.

3. Pray specifically yet remain open to God’s input.

Some women have these pages-long lists of requirements they seek in a man. The lists are so specific and the standards so high that Jesus himself might not make the cut. For every quality you add to your list, ask yourself if you have an equally incredible quality to match it. If not, make a shorter list. Don’t be so picky. Mr. Right isn’t Mr. Perfect. He is right because he loves you, not because he is flawless.

We can have an idea of what we are looking for in a boyfriend or a husband, but ultimately it is God who knows what we really need. Be open to God presenting someone who you wouldn’t normally consider, because, let’s face it, sometimes we can be pretty worldly in our thinking and expectations.

Another thing to remember is that the awesome married brothers you see in the marriages all around you at church most likely didn’t start out the way you see them now. They have grown and matured over time with the help of God and an incredible woman uplifting and encouraging them. They have become better men because of the relationship. So, don’t eliminate a guy who doesn’t have everything figured out yet. He needs a partner who has vision for him. With time, you’ll grow together.

4. Work on your character

One reason why you may not have found Mr. Right is you might not be ready. Relationships are hard work and demand maturity and selflessness. Do these two qualities describe you? If you live with your family, would they say you are easy to live with? Do your roommates vote you as roommate of the year because you're so loving, kind, dependable, financially responsible and organized with your belongings? If not, you may not be ready for the role of wife, where you’d have to take on caring for a home and another person. Practice that role with the people you currently live with. When was the last time you made dinner for everyone in your household? How many acts of unsolicited kindness do you show your family or roommates? These things don’t magically change overnight the day after you get married. If it is an unbearable chore to even think about caring for those around you, you’re not ready for a Christian relationship with the intent to marry.

Thinking about others first doesn’t come naturally for most of us, but we can be trained. What should be your motivation? Becoming more like Jesus is the goal.

5. Go on dates (and lots of them!)

How can you really know what you want in a man if you don’t go through a large sampling? Discovering what you don’t want is just as important as finding out what you do want. Ah, but you remind me that the brothers just aren’t asking the sisters out like they should. This can be a problem but it shouldn’t be an obstacle. A good goal is to have a date at least every other weekend if you’re serious about finding a mate.

You don’t have to wait to be asked out. Plan a dinner with two or three other women and cook for the guys. They love this! It’s a group setting, so the pressure is greatly reduced and conversation usually flows more easily. It’s not costly because the women can divide the menu among themselves and the guys can bring drinks and dessert. And what’s the best part? You’ll get to see a couple of guys in action in one evening. Between dinner conversation and whatever activity is planned for that date, you’ll start to see each one’s character clearly, just as they will. After the date, the guys will reciprocate. Initiating first doesn’t mean your taking the lead, just think of it as serving your wonderful brothers in Christ.

6. Spend time with married women

If you want a glimpse at married life, spend time with married women you admire. Romantic movies and TV series don’t always show the true daily lives of couples. After the dream wedding ends and the romance-filled honeymoon is over, reality sets in. Most young women don’t have a clue about the day-to-day workings of married life.

Although they are extremely busy, setting up time with a married woman gets easier if you offer to help her with some chores while you two talk. Who would say no to that!

While getting the inside scoop about married life, remember to respect boundaries and not pry into intimate aspects of the couple’s world. There’s a right time for everything you want to know.

7. Open your eyes

How many Hollywood rom/coms have you seen where the right guy for the leading woman was right in front of her all the time but she couldn’t see it? There’s probably a brother in your life right now who could possibly be your future mate if you would only open your eyes and see him in a new light.

At the moment, he’s a friend, waiting patiently for you to recognize the feelings he has for you. How can you know? He’s always there. He’s attentive, thoughtful and a gentleman. He makes you laugh and thinks you’re awesome. He’s always complimenting you and from time to time you catch him staring at you. Yep. That’s right…him! For whatever reason, be it shyness or lack of confidence, he needs your clear signal to make a move and ask you out. Pray about it, seek advice, but consider the guy who’s already in your life.

8. Try Heart and Soul

I am not of the online dating generation, as you may have guessed. But this current generation does everything online and it seems to be working out okay for them. The church’s dating app, Heart and Soul, is a good option to try if you haven’t already. You have the opportunity to meet guys from around the world and that can be very exciting. Also, people on the app are serious about finding someone to build a life with. That places you in a pool of real prospective mates.

Caution: Don’t read through all the tips and just jump to ones you like. You still have the hard work to do on your character. An app won’t fix that. So don’t cut corners.

9. Study out biblical marriage

In this world of feminism, social media and role reversals, you may not even realize how influenced by society you’ve become. We are bombarded by ungodly opinions all day long and some of it is bound to rub off on us.

Open your bible and study every verse on marriage, male and female roles, family, raising children, the whole nine yards. This will facilitate your search for a partner. You will know what to look for in a man and you will also know what he’s looking for in a woman.

1. Surrender

You can do everything on this list and yet God is still in control of the timing and whether it will happen at all. Can you be content in the meantime? Could you remain happy and fulfilled if finding a mate isn’t what God plans for you? Surrender to God’s will is sweet when it is voluntary. It inspires an inner strength and peace few experience, but is the ultimate key to fully formed faith.

Gratitude for my soulmate and the life we have built

My husband and I celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary in December. We have two adult children. My son, who is not yet a disciple, commented on our anniversary about how good it is to have parents who still love each other and have stayed together all these years. My daughter, who is a disciple, appreciates the example of love and perseverance we inspire for her marriage. I’m grateful to God for two gifts he gives each of us: the gift of repentance and the stability and advice of the Bible which reflects our true spiritual appearance unapologetically and communicates God’s expectation for us to change into the image of Christ.

I think about that woman on the bus from time to time. I wish I could thank her for the impact the message on her button had on me. It inspired me to always strive to be Mrs. Right. That is a pearl of wisdom to treasure for a lifetime. My Mr. Right would also like to thank her.