My Journey

Stephanie Stafford, Dallas, Texas, USA

What could possibly make a Christian turn their face from God, deny the sacrifice of Jesus, and leave the church, the kingdom of GOD?

First a little bit about me. My story begins a few decades ago.

I grew up religious but lived a sinful life. For some, it was enough to be “good,” just in case Heaven was real. How could you know for sure? Maybe Heaven was real, maybe not? Better hedge your bets and live a “good life.” But that was never enough of a motivation for me -- simply the fear of Hell or the thought that perhaps the Bible was the truth of GOD. Nope. Not for me.

I read 1 John 5 :13: “I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you mayknow that you have eternal life.” (italics mine.) If the Bible was true, if it was the word of God, then I could KNOW! I would not have to speculate, or suppose, but know!

I wanted to be a disciple for Christ, and again, I wanted to know what that meant for myself. So, after learning from a friend that there was a church in Massachusetts where the Christians were living as disciples,

I packed my car, gassed up in Dallas, Texas, and drove northeast. The freeway ended under the Prudential Center in downtown Boston.

In Boston I studied the Bible with two great women: Tess Horrigan and Lynne Green. I was in Boston to learn what it meant to be a disciple. A disciple is a Christian. How could I be something of which I had no knowledge? I learned I was not a Christian as I thought. I studied seriously what the Bible said about sin and grace and Jesus’ sacrifice. I had to decide for myself who I was going to be dedicated to: God or myself. There before me in Galatians 5:19-21 was the sum of my life. Good intentions? Sometimes. Doing the right thing? Not always. Choosing sin over righteousness amounted to my choosing me over GOD. Yes. It was as I thought and feared, but had never admitted to myself. I was a sinner and only God and Jesus had enough love to rescue me from what I really deserved, death.

I became a disciple, a true Christian, in 1984 in Boston. My initial plan was to stay in Boston for a year and learn what it meant to be a disciple. Then I would go back to Texas and apply to medical school.

A different plan

After becoming a disciple and studying the Bible further, I realized that I needed to stay where there was a church of disciples making disciples. I put my plans for medical school aside to stay with the church and was asked by friends to go with them to plant a church in another country. I had envisioned myself as a physician serving the poor. Never in a million years would I have envisioned myself as a missionary. But I believed that God had a different plan for me, and I was willing to go.

God used me to help plant churches in three countries over the ensuing five years. It was amazing to watch people learn for themselves from the Bible and become Christians. It was sobering to understand that some of the people I studied the Bible with might be persecuted or killed for their beliefs. This made me go back to the Bible time and again to make sure that I was teaching correctly what the Bible said about Jesus, God, forgiveness and discipleship.

After returning to the United States, I realized that I still wanted to go to medical school. I applied and started medical school in 1994. I vowed that medical school would not displace God or Jesus or the church in my life. God blessed me so much. I never missed a service unless I was ill. I served in the preteen ministry. I remember flying into the medical library after services and studying all night several times with friends. In medical school, I passed all tests, rotations, and board exams. It seemed that I studied just what I needed to know for the test.

During medical school, I worked hard and applied myself in my studies and in the operating room, preparing myself to be accepted into an Orthopedic Surgery residency. For seven years I spent 80 to 120 hours a week working and learning in the classroom and operating room. I always wanted to study orthopedic surgery. Becoming an orthopedic surgeon was my plan to serve and show God’s love to the poor and injured in the developing world. I studied the Jaipur foot, developed by Master Ram Chandra in India.

It was a revolutionary design that changed the lives of the many living with landmine injuries.

How could God being saying no??

I researched and wrote articles and presented findings at national and international medical conferences. Finally, I was ready to apply to Orthopedic Surgery residency. The residency I wanted said “no.” I was offered a residency in an Orthopedic Surgery Program, but it was not even close to a church. How could I say yes? In those moments I was exhausted, disappointed, frustrated, and sad.

It is important to take a moment and explain about my relationship with my physical father. It is difficult to write, but important that you understand. He was a physician who was emotionally unstable and desperately unhappy. While I was growing up, he would set unexplained tasks for me and watch to see if I would figure out the “test.” He would become frustrated and even angry if I did not understand and failed his test. 

At the time, I had no idea I was being tested. It was always an unpleasant surprise to learn of my failure. He could be bright and encouraging and then switch to petulance. His moods were mercurial. I never knew what his mood would be. I felt that he set tasks for me which I really couldn't do. He knew all the answers, but was not sharing them with me. As a child I learned not to trust his motives or his emotions. I avoided him as much as possible. I could not know what he wanted and seldom made him happy. I desperately wanted to do that -- make him happy.

I had no control over my life with my father. So, I took control of my own life (or so I thought). I left home as early as I could. I started university at age sixteen and by seventeen I was a full-time student living away from home. It was a huge emotional relief. What I did not understand was that my relationship with my dad was going to shape many other relationships to come. I learned that the way to solve conflict was to avoid it at all costs. I was quick to try and take control in a situation or relationship in which I felt insecure or vulnerable or self-conscious. I feel so weak relating this to you, but I remember that it is God whose grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Taken captive

Looking back, it is clear that in my hurt, frustration and disappointment first with my physical father and then in not finding a residency program near to a church, I became disappointed in God. It seemed that God knew the answers, but he was purposely hiding them from me, just as my Dad had done with me growing up. I thought God was petulant. He knew what he wanted but wasn’t going to share it with me. I wondered why God would bring me this far in medicine only to say “no” to my heart’s desire? That was the key, wasn’t it: my desire. My plans. I purposefully forgot Jeremiah 29:11-12, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”

These are the words to Judah in captivity in Babylon. Surely being in captivity was not what they intended or wanted. But it was part of God’s plan for their lives. I should have come to God, called on him and prayed to him, but instead I turned my sadness and pain into anger and faithlessness.

I now understand Genesis 4:5-7, “but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So, Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast. Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”

This was a crucial moment in my life. I could remember that God is a God of love. That what I have, all that is good, is from God. Or I could give into fear. In my anger and disappointment, I chose sin. My sadness was God’s fault. I was not accepted or loved. My effort was not appreciated. I no longer accepted what the bible said. I lost my faith and left God and Jesus and the church. For eighteen years I refused to read the bible or pray to God. If I had a choice between speaking truth or lying, I often chose lying because I wasn’t a Christian any longer. Impurity, hatred, fits of rage, envy, and more all returned to my life.

God does not give up

But even though I gave up on God, he did not give up on me. He kept friends from the church in my life, and even though I did not believe in what they did, I respected them for trying to live a life they believed to be best and true. I am so grateful for the Christians that God kept in my life -- Una Smit, Susan Gordon, Lisa Lewis, Betty Hembree, Lynne and Scott Green and many more. I feared they would leave our friendship as I had left God. Perhaps find me unacceptable as a friend? But they did not and I saw God in this. Many asked me, “but what do you do with Jesus?” I avoided answering that question. My issue was with God my Father.

It took me many years to understand that I blamed God, just as I blamed my earthly father. It seems so clear as I write now about my leaving. But it wasn’t at that time. I was blind. I chose to attribute to God the characteristics of my earthly father. I avoided my relationship with God for a long time. But even then, God was working in the lives of the Christians in my life. I cannot stress enough how important those friends were. So much more occurred over those years, there is not enough time nor space here to recount it all.

God used the pandemic to change my life. My heart had begun to change, and He put me together with old and new friends whom I love, trust and respect. I voiced my faithlessness, my anger, my doubts, my pain, and my sin. They met me with the Bible, love, and truth. I am so grateful God had them there. I started reading the Bible and the miracle happened again, just as it had in Boston all those years ago.

My heart softened. Only the Word of God can do that. Now I make time to read about God’s true heart and characteristics to remind myself that He is not like me (or my father). Thankfully. When I was faithless, he was faithful. When I was the one, he left the ninety-nine to seek me out. It never occurred to God or Jesus to give up. That is not their heart.

Love to you from your sister, the forgiven, covered by God’s grace, a prodigal daughter. -- Stephanie Stafford

Stephanie Stafford is a Christian in the Dallas Fort Worth Church in Dallas, Texas, USA. She practices medicine and public health in the United States and abroad. She is blessed to be a sister twice to Susan Jeffus -- Sister in family and Sister in Christ!