Passing Through the Valley of Tears

 Marina Glushonkova, Yekaterinburg, Russian Federation

My name is Marina Glushonkova, I am 48 years old, 25 years married. I have a daughter whose name is Eva; she is 20 years old. I am now 28 years in Christ, and 27 years of them I have been a minister in the church.

«As they go through the Valley of Baca (or tears) they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. » (Psalm 84:6 ESV)

Many of us are familiar with losses firsthand. Many of them are very serious!

We were not particularly taught to process them, although now there are many more books, programs, mentors, psychologists, than there used to be.

There were quite a few losses in my life, too. Most recently, in 2020, I lost my parents. My mom died of covid; she was a disciple for 24 years.  Dad died of cancer and by the grace of God he was baptized a week before his death -- and, as it turned out, he was baptized on the very same day as my mother!

Today I will try to share with you what I learned spiritually going through losses and what God has revealed to me personally.

Losses come in different sizes and values --you can lose your wallet, your hope, your friend, your health, etc. As you read this article, you may want to think about a significant loss from your own life. Some psychologists claim that any loss has phases (stages) of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But since today we are looking for God's viewpoint, let’s turn to the Bible.

The scary story of Job

Long before the advent of modern psychology, Job experienced tremendous losses. His famous story is instructive and illustrative for us. If you haven’t read it in a while, you may want to take some time to read it now or reacquaint yourself with his circumstances.

God forbid that we would go through what Job went through - - it's scary!

He held on "correctly,” longer than many of us probably would have, in a similar situation.

Job's attitude at the beginning of his string of losses: "God gave - God took away ..." (1:9-10). When the pain multiplied, he said, “Are we really going to accept the good from God, but not the bad?" (2:9-10); and later, more suffering came, bitterness came, misunderstanding came. He even cursed his birthday and began to doubt, is there any benefit in being with God if He does not protect me? (3:1-16; 34:9; 35:3)

Job was indeed greatly blessed by God. When the trials came, at first, he reacted "correctly,” but then his "deep gut" and raw emotions came out. This often happens at times of trial with people.

Suffering can change our picture of God, tear apart the pattern of our established ideas. Suffering tempts us to take offense at God, we begin to think that God made a mistake in something and did not protect us! Pain makes us focus on ourselves. We lose our bearings; we beg for mercy.

This raises a lot of questions in our hearts. We cannot understand HOW a loving God could allow this. Why is this happening to me? And so on. Do you ever question the justice of God and His love for you? I honestly do.

It is important not to leave it and not to push it deeper into the heart, otherwise bitterness awaits us, and it has a destructive effect on the soul. It torments and corrodes it.

We take offense at God, we accuse Him, we grumble, and in our own eyes it seems we would be kinder and more righteous than God (Job 32:1). Job became "right in his own eyes" until God spoke to him out of the storm (chapters 38-41). God did not answer him, but asked questions that made him humble himself before God. In the end, Job, through all his trials, understood more about God and His heart. Job realized that he had made judgments about things he did not understand, and he repented (42:3,6).

I noticed that losses are not included in our life plans (although we all know for certain that they will take place). For example, we all know that we will get sick during our lives and die, our parents and children will die, but naturally we do not want to think about it and even more we hate making any kinds of plans or preparations for disaster. Often, we can live in fear of the inevitable and when it happens, we experience shock, then SUFFERING comes.

Grieving is a natural reaction to loss. This is a complex cocktail of contradictory feelings. It’s okay to feel this way. It was important for me to realize this. Believers grieve when they lose loved ones: Abraham wept for Sarah, David for the dead child, Jesus for Lazarus, etc. But it's important not to get stuck in these feelings.

How can we move from suffering to acceptance? This is the way to search in the desert for a life-giving source. It’s important to express your feelings.

Often in my life I have heard the phrase - "don't worry, everything will turn out fine." This does not help because it devalues our feelings. Why shouldn’t I be upset if I have just lost someone very precious to me? 

We are alive and we feel! We have a wide range of feelings. Now, after my recent experiences, I would say -– go ahead and be honest about what you are upset about and experience it!

Re-live, re-step, re-direct - - grief must be left behind. It’s important not to “endure” in the sense of trying to be “strong” for everyone or wait it out for time to somehow make everything better.  This can make us bitter and cynical; it can make us victims and can harden our hearts. The way of living through suffering sometimes is unbearably difficult, the process of fighting to live with a different spectrum of feelings is very important!

LIVING OUT (or allowing ourselves to experience our feelings) is a time when the "work of grief" is happening inside a person. Allowing yourself to experience what you are feeling is the correct way forward; it helps to fill the void left by the loss with meaning.

Five Practical Tips

I have formulated five points for myself that I hope will help you as well:

1)It takes time! And God gives it to us. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 teaches that there is a time for everything.  This is life!  God has not hidden from us that there will be different times in life. There must be times that include death, and we should expect to make time to mourn. 

2)You need to have honest conversations with yourself. «Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? » (Psalm 13;  42:5; 43:5). «let me meditate in my heart» (Psalm 77:6). 

When our protection is removed, at first, we hold on "correctly" to our support systems. Then a real struggle of resistance complete with pain and fears can come out. Often, we can come to think that God is to blame for my pain! (He allowed me to be hurt, didn’t he?). Shameful, "wrong" feelings can come that are sometimes hard to admit. I learned to "call feelings by name" (listen to myself for example: I'm confused, I'm sad, I'm grieving, I'm angry, I'm offended, etc.) Feelings are not right and wrong, good and bad; they are perhaps better divided into pleasant and unpleasant feelings.

To identify them means that we bring the emotion into the conscious mind. Then it has done its job, it has brought very important information to me. I can experience this feeling and consciously put it "on the shelf" in my heart. If the feeling is not conscious and not experienced, it wanders in the soul for many years. Depression is a disease of frozen feelings. This is the time when we, like Job, ask uncomfortable but honest questions to ourselves and God, when our defenses and religiosity crumble, when we can learn to know ourselves and God anew.

3)Allow yourself to experience your emotions and feelings, it is important to share feelings with friends. Do not bear them alone. Job 2:11-13 Job's friends were with him, sitting silently next to him (this was a good thing). Jesus, in Matthew 26:37-38 said out loud, «my soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.». I believe that, as disciples of Christ, we can learn from Jesus to experience suffering and sorrow. Jesus passed before us through injustice, betrayal, humiliation, the loss of loved ones, and the pain of violence, and death. He could also say – what is the point of this, God? 

He has set an example for us to follow in His footsteps. Jesus grieved and experienced his emotions with God, praying, openly sharing his feelings - "I want this cup to pass by me, so that I don't drink it..." Even for Jesus it was important to share his struggle with someone. I thought, why? Now I understand that it has a hugely therapeutic effect, sharing in real time with someone present and nearby.  

Even if your friends don't understand you, or what you’re going through, it is important to share. We are often afraid that they will not understand us or begin to label us.  Job’s and Christ's friends obviously did not understand them. This is normal.  We don’t need to worry about understanding them – sharing honestly is so we better understand ourselves!  They just need to be around, to be present. .This is the time for friends, who can provide a safe environment of acceptance. To pronounce aloud what we feel means to not hold it in yourself.

Friends do not need to discuss, speak for God, say the right things - it does not help at all!!! This is a personal conversation between the griever and himself, or the griever and God (Job 21:2,34).

I am grateful to all my friends who were by my side during these difficult moments.

4) It is important for us to "hear God out of the storm" (like Job). We need to understand that I am not here by chance, and I stand on the solid foundation of God's Word.

«He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. » (Psalms 40:2)

This requires faith! (Hebrews 4:2)

People who do not know God also suffer the same way, but unfortunately, they do not have a Savior and Comforter! For them, there is no life-giving faith, no reliable Word of God to stand on.  I can't even imagine what foundation supports them. I have an association in my head with a stool with a broken leg. God is our support and rod which never will break!

We can build on stone, not sand (Matthew 7:24-27); our trials will test our faith.

I felt in my pain that I was drowning, suffocating from fear and pain, from despair.  I was reading the life-giving Word. I was grabbing for the Word, and it was the strongest thing that pulled me out of the depths.

«Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! » (Psalms 139:6).  God knows the time and duration of events and He determined It even before we were born!

«Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.» Psalms 23:4

God will guide me through the valley of the shadow of death, but not to avoid it! And He promises to comfort us. Even we believers are afraid of death. We all must face it sooner or later.

When I was faced with the death of my parents, I began to greedily study everything about death, the soul, heaven, etc., to read, to strive to discover something important. In Ecclesiastes 7:2 The Bible says It is better to go to a house of mourning for the dead than to a house of feasting, for this is the end of every person and let the living reflect on it, everyone must die and everyone who lives must come to terms with it. I discovered a lot of important truths for myself during that time.

I see the same kindness and care of God for me as He prepared my heart. I went through some different groups where I learned to go through losses, to recognize and realize feelings.  A huge miracle took place: one week before his death, my dad was baptized! After 26 years of prayers, this is very comforting to me! My parents were baptized on the same day. This felt like a sign for me. Until the last day that they walked, they lived side by side, and they departed that way as well.

After hearing more and more of God’s word, humility and ACCEPTANCE came to us, and then consolation, reassurance, and hope. In my case, it was like this. I'm still sad, but it doesn't hurt me; it's not hopeless.

5)Learn the lessons, reap the fruit of your losses.  Through the experience of loss, we have a chance to understand things that we would never have understood, unfortunately, in good times about ourselves and about God. That's why these times of loss are so important to us. We come out of the storm different. The situation may not change, but we do change.

Job, although he resisted God and almost drowned in selfishness and bitterness, eventually resigned himself, stopped blaming God, accepted, and admitted that he spoke without understanding, "hastily and too much.” He realized that "You can do everything, and Your intention cannot be stopped" (Job 42:2). It is written that God greatly blessed him. (See Jeremiah 29:11)

Think for a moment:  what has suffering exposed in your heart? What did you understand through times of suffering?

There will be losses in our lives for sure! Someone will have financial difficulties, others have problems in the family, some may have very poor health, someone will be fired from work, others will experience loss of relationships, loss of friendship, death of loved ones or other losses. Maybe you're going through this right now!

When I suffered, I realized that God is bigger than us and sees the whole picture; he knows all the details. (Matthew 10:29-31). We may not understand all the reasons why bad things happen, but we can trust God! My attitude toward trials in general has changed and I am grateful for it.