Single Christian Households

by Donna Western

For the single Christian woman, “making it” often means having roommates. We learn about ourselves when we have roommates. The high cost of living alone, coupled with the desire to grow spiritually has led many to form households of unrelated adults who share their lives along with their expenses. Jesus lived with the apostles to teach them. When we live with others, we learn what we need to change to be more like Christ. It isn’t always easy.

This chapter is for all who long to have a positive, up-building spiritual home life. No magic answers, only scriptural solutions, and experience-based suggestions of what a home can and should be. My past struggles in this area have taught me many lessons about what makes a roommate situation a spiritual, learning experience. Having lived as a wife with my own house and later as a single with my own apartment, it was a major decision and change for me to move in with sisters. My first experience was difficult. But, for the past year, I have been happily residing with four sisters in a four-bedroom, one bathroom house. It has gone great.

As in our relationships, the joys and rewards of roommates are found by focusing on how much one can give, rather than on what one expects to receive. Loving service is the heart of Christ’s example and teaching about interacting with others. To apply that concept to our daily lives, we will examine four ways we can give to our roommates:

1. God-centered priorities and actions. (Philippians 3:8,9)
2. Praying and taking initiative in a godly way. (Proverbs 31)
3. Victorious roommates. (Philippians 4:11)
4. Encouraging roommates. (Philippians 1:25-26)

God-Centered Priorities and Actions

Paul’s attitude in Philippians 3:8–9 sets the foundation for successful roommate relationships: “What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.”

Are you concerned with losing the things of this world to seek the righteousness of God? Are your roommates concerned in this way? God does not put people together haphazardly. You are with your roommates for a purpose, to teach one another how to be more Christ-like. Remembering that God is your planner so that you can become more like Christ can alleviate the difficulty of sharing one’s possessions and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ (Ephesians 5:21).

If your household is a pit stop instead of a home and if there are personality differences (sin?) between roommates, then God is not at the center of your relationships. A righteous household begins with each roommate having a relationship with God. Praying together is very helpful, not just at meals. Accepting that you are one another’s “keeper” and best friend helps us achieve a mutually encouraging relationship. A household that brings each roommate closer to God and each other is the goal. Christ’s prayer for unity emphasizes (John 17:21) that the world will know we are his disciples if we are united in Him.

In my household, our goal as roommates is for each woman to help the others have and keep God as the center of our lives and in our home. We strive to communicate with each other, to keep in touch about people we’re sharing our faith with. We talk about how our Bible study has helped us; the defeats and victories of our daily lives. Once a week, we take time to sit down, pray together and catch up with each other. Our unity and individual maturity have grown as we have made the effort to really listen to each other and help ensure that Jesus is Lord over our minds, moods, minutes, and ministries.

Praying and Taking Initiative in a Godly Way

Another example worthy of imitation by roommates is the Proverbs 31 “wife (friend) of noble character.” She possessed a lifestyle and many qualities that single women need to develop a positive Christian household. Note how the Scripture stresses her eagerness and enterprise. Her eyes were set on seeing what needed to be done, and her hands were always ready to act.

Roommates can be separated into two general groups: those who take initiative and those who don’t and are waiting to be asked to do something. Which describes you? The Proverbs-31-woman took initiative to serve others. One helpful practical idea is to discuss a list of chores together and determine who wants to do what to keep things in order. Then, the responsibilities taken can be completed with unity and teamwork.

It is a great blessing to be part of a household where all members take responsibility for keeping all rooms ready to receive a visit from Christ, or an unexpected visitor. I remember the time our shower needed a repair. There was a part missing which cost 65 cents. The need was evident, but I didn’t have time to meet it. I came home one day to find the shower fixed. I was so grateful! My roommates also worked out a schedule for emptying the dishwasher so that dishes didn’t accumulate in the sink. What a joy for all of us!

Taking initiative is an upward call to everyone around you. If one roommate takes initiative others will do the same. The opposite us also true. A dirty glass in the sink can lead to a mountain of dirty dishes—which depresses everyone. We share responsibility for household tasks and rotate responsibilities so that each of us can be trained in all areas. Daily, we maintain a “straightening up” of community spaces. Everyone keeps their bedrooms orderly daily. We try to always keep our home presentable to Jesus.

Initiative is also expressed in learning to say what’s on our mind and not expecting our roommates to be clairvoyant. Self-pitying moods of feeling our needs are “not being met” can be eliminated by simply verbalizing needs.

Likewise, an initiating roommate will grow in her ability to understand her sisters so that she can tell when something is wrong. Sometimes a person doesn’t know how to express their feelings. If a roommate stays in her room for three days, what will you do? Respect her privacy or know she needs help of another sister? Train yourself to recognize potential trouble and then take steps to change the situation. I call that “walking and talking through.”

The need for initiation can be summed up in your answer to this question. Do I want my household to be like Jesus? Successful roommate-living, like marriage, requires giving by everyone. When someone is unwilling to come to you, go to them (Matthew 18:15). Keep alert to ways you can help, both spiritually and physically. The result will be worth the effort.

Victorious Roommates

Our roommates are the people who know us best and can therefore help us the most to grow spiritually. They see us as we really are and so can help us recognize our talents and our weaknesses (sinful natures). Do you view your household as an opportunity for spiritual growth and victory? Are you expecting victory in your roommates’ lives, helping them to be their best? Are you running to win a crown for yourself, being open about your life and allowing them to help you grow? Are you laughing together and having fun times, as well?

One essential area where roommates must be victorious is in their daily communication with each other. In my household, that means leaving notes in a central area to guarantee a response. Each roommate’s initials are placed at the bottom of the note once the note is read, so we all know who has read and understood it. We also strive to come home after work and be outward and positive rather than focusing on our fatigue. I have had to learn not to walk in with the mindset of “I have a lot to do.” How we greet each other at that time can set the tone of our relationships.

Good communication takes work, but it is a light to those involved. As Christians, we go beyond the superficial reporting of events to share our defeats, victories, sorrows, and joys. Roommates can be some of our closest friends as we work together as family to meet one another’s needs. Concentrate on one another’s strengths, not weaknesses.

Developing a family-like atmosphere is another victory for all involved. We all come from different kinds of families and backgrounds. Some new Christians didn’t come from loving families and have no positive blueprint. Our concern for and interaction with each other should demonstrate to others that we belong to the family of God. Being single means we have more unstructured time than our married sisters with children do. We shouldn’t use our flexibility to neglect but rather to use our home, offering hospitality and serving others as family.

My household has decided to cook dinner at home every night. Everyone signs up for a night, chooses the menu and cooks. It is a wonderful, warm feeling to come home from work and catch a terrific aroma wafting down the stairs. We also do household chores together, making the mundane a time of fellowship and fun and enjoying the outcome.

Perhaps the greatest victory in our household, personally, has been adopting the attitude of Paul in Philippians 4:11— “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned the secret of being content, whatever the circumstances.” This translates into “Yes, I’m 30 and sharing a house with four other women, and yes, I’m going to be okay.” I had to realize the benefits of having roommates; to take what was for me an unnatural situation and make it natural, without getting upset over small things.

Here's an example of a small thing. I have slept on a big bed all my life. When I first moved into my present household, I had my own room and was able to keep my antique full-size bed. Then a recently divorced sister became one of our roommates and needed to have her own space. I gave my room to her and began sharing a bedroom with another roommate. My antique bed had to go into storage. I had to adjust to sharing a room. It was difficult for a while. Now that roommate is one of my best friends and I don’t give it a thought.

Being content means deciding to make the best of wherever you are, to stop living in the future and pining for marriage. I have learned to be content sleeping on a borrowed bed and using someone else’s furniture while my own possessions remain in storage. The victory of learning to be content in any circumstance has made the present a joy and not a burden.

Encouraging Roommates

The apostle Paul’s relationships abounded with encouragement. In Philippians 1:25–26, he wrote his brothers and sisters in Philippi that “I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again, your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.” Does your roommates’ joy overflow on account of you? We all need encouragement to be encouragers. That area of giving can be expressed in many ways, depending on the needs of those around you. When my schedule gets too busy and there’s no time to do laundry, it really encourages me to find that one of my roommates has done it for me. One time I came home from a particularly hard day and was encouraged to hear that my roommate had initiated a Bible study with our neighbor. That kind of news shows me there is joy and progress in our faith.

Encouragement comes from fulfilling a need without being asked and from caring enough to help your sister be her best. My roommates have encouraged me lately by prompting me to diet and exercise more so that I can look my best. Striving to help each other be the best women we can be is a part of our spiritual ministry, in my opinion.

To find out if you are an encourager or a discourager, ask yourself if you:

1. Act like you enjoy living here?
2. Honor your roommates’ time alone with God?
3. Respect your roommates’ privacy and property?
4. Empathize with what kind of day she has had?
5. Actively look for ways to serve your roommates?

I thank God daily for my roommates. They have given me great joy. If you need to change anything, I pray that today, you decide to change individually so that your household may change collectively and glorify God with its loving, Christ-like giving.

About Donna Lee Western 

Donna Western was born in 1954 and raised in Detroit by Robert and Roberta Western. She had an older sister, Pat Gempel, and brother, Michael Western, married to Christine. All the family are disciples of Jesus. Donna is now retired from a career in Radiology and specifically in Ultrasonography. She was employed by major medical centers in Detroit, Michigan; Raleigh/Durham, N. Carolina; Boston, Massachusetts and in Philadelphia, at the University of Pennsylvanian Hospital. She became a disciple in 1979 at the Lexington (Boston) Church of Christ.

Donna moved to Boston in 1979 to be a part of the growing Boston Church of Christ. She was willing to take on the challenge of setting up single households for new disciples of Christ. In the 1980’s she moved 13 times to help her new sisters get established in giving, functional Christian environments. 

After her father’s death in 1990, her mother moved from Detroit to Boston, to live with Donna. In 2000, as her mother weakened physically, they moved to Philadelphia to be near the Gempels and Evans families. Roberta Western, Pat Gempel and Donna Western’s mother went to be with God in 2003.

Now retired, Donna continues to be loved and much appreciated by family, disciples and everyone she meets.  She makes friends easily and continues to be a vital part of the Greater Philadelphia Church of Christ.