Together We Thrive

Navigating Conflict by Speaking Truth in Love

By Joann Acosta, Capital Collective Church, Washington DC, USA

Scripture Reading:

Ephesians 4:1-3, 14-16, 25, 29 (NIV)

1-3 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace… 14-16 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

We’ve all been there: someone has hurt you, has sinned or could benefit greatly from your help in identifying an area of life-giving growth or repentance. The question isn’t usually whether you should speak the truth to them. Many places in Scripture (Lev 19:5, Mt 18:15-17, Gal 6:1-2, James 5:19-20 Mt 5:23-24 ) clearly spell out that we are to speak to our brother or sister. But it is in Ephesians 4 that Paul gives more of the WHY and the HOW of our approach.

The Power of WHY

Early in my marriage of 21 years, the number one source of conflict between me and Ben was in our styles of communication. I have always been a very direct, “tell it like it is” speaker, while he leaned more toward a “overlook the offense” approach. I would feel frustrated whenever I would learn that there was something I was doing that had been bothering him (for months!) that he didn’t mention. “Why didn’t you say something,” I’d cry. “We need to be honest with each other.” In my mind, direct communication was love. I told myself he didn’t even need to sugar-coat it. (Truth: We all need a little sugar!) On the flip side, I not only shared with Ben what I saw that he could change, I told him repeatedly and in many ways, colors and flavors - all so that he could “truly understand” the truth. Needless to say, he would often wind up tuning me out. Furthermore, sisters I strove to encourage in their repentance would sometimes share that they felt rebuked rather than loved. I was baffled. Didn’t they want to hear the truth? Was I doing something wrong? (Spoiler… Yes!)

We all lean toward one end of the spectrum: shrinking away from conflict and not speaking up when life-giving truth needs to be shared, or landing “truth bombs” that can make hearers feel like they just got punched in the face. There is a wide range in between, including a perfect sweet spot that Jesus - full of grace and truth - hit every time. (Take a self-assessment: where do you fall on the spectrum?)

Notice how in Ephesians 4:16, Paul didn’t just say, "speak the truth.” He adds those essential two little words: “in love.” Why, Paul? Isn’t it good enough to speak the truth for truth's sake? Isn’t truth the end goal? Short answer, no.

As with most things of God, we must dig down past outward behavior (and words) to get to our hearts. Speaking truth requires a constant check on our motivation. Why am I sharing the truth? Is it because something irritates, annoys, or angers me? Because something inconveniences or hurts me? Do I have even a twinge of contempt in my heart toward my sister or brother because of their wrongdoing?

Scripture teaches us that from the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45). Any truth spoken from a place or anger, irritation, or fear will likely bear bad fruit (Mt 7:17-20). I must make every effort to get my heart to a place where what I care most about in my exchange with my sister is that I build her up and, by default, the kingdom as well. Note, there is a subtle yet critical difference between wanting to correct a person and wanting to build them up. One comes from a place of judgment, the other from a place of love.

In short, my WHY must be to build up my brother or sister and the kingdom of God. All other reasons fall short.

The Power of HOW

Paul's earlier exhortation in Ephesians 4:1-3 lays the foundation for HOW we speak the truth in love. We are called to live a life worthy of the calling we have received, characterized by humility, gentleness, patience, and love. Paul had earlier instructed the Galatians “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently.”

Gently.

Humility. Gentleness. Patience. Love.

Do these qualities describe your interactions in conflict? As modern women, we often navigate a world that calls us to be confident, decisive, quick-acting and assertive. We’re often in a hurry and can speak with sharpness to make a point. God’s countercultural calling for us to be humble, gentle, patient and loving is an essential part of our “every effort” to bring about unity in the body of Christ.

In my quest to speak the truth with humility, gentleness, patience and love, I like to ask myself these questions:

Will what I say and the manner in which I say it build my listener up? Ephesians 4:29 says “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Nowadays, in my interactions with my husband or anyone else, rather than airing out any opinion I have about their actions the moment it crosses my mind (Prov 18:1), I take time to ponder if what I have to share is truly of benefit.

“Is this the right time for me or my listener for me to speak? Proverb 25:11 says “The right word spoken at the right time is as beautiful as gold apples in a silver bowl.” If either I or my listener is upset, hurried or distracted, it's likely not a good time to have a beneficial conversation.

“Does this person have the emotional capacity at this moment to handle what I plan to share?” Earlier in my faith, I thought of softening my words as equivalent to watering down the truth. I have since come to see the wisdom of meeting people where they are. While some hearers appreciate directness, some need to be spoken to with extra, extra, extra tenderness. While I may need you to speak to me with clarity and examples, others may require just a light touch coupled with much encouragement in order to receive the message. You will often be able to tell the difference by how the person is responding as you speak. Are they tense, nodding along, defensive, teary-eyed?

If I am not sure of my hearer’s processing style, I err in the direction of that extra, extra tenderness. This may include leaning in, a soft voice, a lead-up that includes an inquiry into their well-being, or a gentle touch - quite possibly all of the above! So often, hearers have unresolved past trauma that makes them susceptible to being wounded easily. Never let it be through me that my brother or sister, who is already hurting from the lashes Satan has inflicted on them, be unnecessarily wounded by me even further.

If you had an upbringing like mine, correction came with a stern voice that conveyed the seriousness of what had been done. There was no light touch or statement of belief in me that I could change and be a better person. Instead, there was shaming. I believe my parents passed on what they had been taught and that they truly meant well: they wanted to make sure I saw the error of my ways and changed. I, in turn, had passed that on in my corrections. I have since learned that inspiring someone to change by communicating your faith in God and in them goes much further than the temporary behavior change that occurs by using the truth club to make someone feel bad. I have also learned that the exact same words spoken in a gentle voice actually have more impact than when said in a stern tone that gets my listener’s defenses up! Heart check done? Now speak up!

Speaking truth in love fosters unity and the church’s transformation into the likeness of Christ. This is why we do it. Period. My conversation between me and another is never just about the two of us, but the kingdom as well. That conversation has a massive ripple effect that transcends to the spiritual realm!

I think of Nathan who had the nerve to approach King David to declare “You are that man!” when David was deep in sin. David could have killed Nathan. Nathan’s courage and conviction led to David restoring his relationship with God, and Scripture indicates that the future of the entire kingdom hinged on David’s repentance. What an act of love on Nathan’s part! He saved David when he turned David from the error of his ways. Do you have the courage and conviction to speak the truth despite the cost (inconvenience, discomfort, possible turmoil, someone not liking you) to your brother or sister? Better question: do you have the love to speak up?

Truth spoken in love has the power to bring about growth, both individually and collectively within the body of Christ. When we approach one another with sincerity, compassion, and a genuine desire for each other's well-being, the result is a community that matures and reflects the likeness of Christ.

Final thoughts…

You’ve prayed, you’ve wrestled, your conscience is clear. You may have even gotten input about how you can speak the truth (without bringing up the name of the person you are in conflict with, if possible). What if your conversation doesn’t go well even if you have spoken the truth with patience, tenderness, love and grace?

This happens. If Jesus, who was perfect, offended others to the point that they killed him, don’t be surprised if you don’t always get a warm response to your correction, even from a brother or sister. Hard truths can stir up uncomfortable and painful feelings, which can lead to anger, lashing out, or pulling away.

This is when I find comfort in Matthew 18:15-16: “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’” I love the wisdom of God who anticipated that confrontation between brothers and sisters won’t always go well. In situations in which I have asked sisters to step in to mediate a conflict, I never share my version of events first; just the fact that we are in conflict. My goal is not to win people over to my side. I want unity. I want to see where I can change along with my sister.

Practicals

Ask yourself: “What is my motivation for sharing this hard truth with this person?”

Ask yourself: “Is there a plank I need to take out of my own eye?” (Mt 7:4-5) Unless it’s removed, I cannot see clearly to remove the speck out of my brother’s eye. Deal with my own junk first, THEN help my sister out.

Seek counsel about your own heart before heading into a possibly contentious conversation. Too often we assume we have the correct perspective and when we seek advice, what we are really seeking is validation for our own point of view! (But maybe that’s just me.)

PRAY for wisdom and discernment prior, during and after every conversation in which you need to confront sin. Pray for tenderness, grace, love and humility. It’s amazing how prayer alone shapes our hearts and gives us courage to speak and wisdom to bite our tongues when necessary!

Do an emotions check. Do you have a calm, non-anxious demeanor? I like to take inventory of my own body to make a feelings assessment. Do you feel tense? Do you have a tight neck or shoulders, or an upset stomach? Are your shoulders by my ears? Do you feel heated? Or do you feel a warm, overflowing compassion and desire for oneness?

Test the temperature. Is the person ready to receive your words? You may have a conversation planned, then find out the other person just suffered a major personal loss. Tend to that wound first.

Never assume you understand a situation or a person’s heart. Ask questions. Gain understanding. Usually, we don’t know the complete story and often, what we planned to say will change once we have more accurate information.

Attain and convey a spirit of “I am on your side” and “we are in this together,” because you are!

Ask, “May I share something with you?” If the person says “yes,” they have opened the door. You don’t need to ram your way in.

After sharing your perspective, ask the person how they feel about what was shared. Let them know you are a safe space for them to be honest and that you respect their feelings. They are just that: feelings (which is different from beliefs, which may be incorrect). Invite them to share more feelings at a later time that they may not have processed at that moment.

Ask how they plan to respond. This is different from asking how they feel. They may feel one way but have the resolve to do another. For example someone may feel hurt and angry - and voices that - but also acknowledge that they will go and pray, process, and repent. If you have the bandwidth, ask how you can help them move forward.

If the conversation gets heated, ask for a time out. You can share, “I am feeling myself getting upset and I don’t want to say anything that could hurt our friendship. Would it be okay for us to come back and talk about this in X amount of time? I need more time to pray.”

If at all possible, have hard conversations face to face - never through written communication, which is too easily misinterpreted. Even online meetings are less effective since the body language is unseen (a more significant part of communication than words), and physical touch is not possible. A gentle hand, a leaning in, and hands clasped together in prayer are balms that help soften the words of a correction or hard teaching.

Contemplative Questions:

• Reflect on a time when someone spoke the truth to you in love. How did that experience contribute to your personal growth?

• If you tend to avoid conflict: How can you incorporate the principle of speaking the truth in love in your daily interactions with others, both within and outside the church community?

• In what ways can you cultivate a spirit of gentleness in your relationships, ensuring that your interactions reflect the humility and patience Paul encourages in Ephesians 4:1-3?

May God bless your courage and conviction to speak the truth in love. Thank you, sister, for building up, unifying, and maturing God’s kingdom in this way. xo

About the Author

Joann Acosta serves as a shepherd alongside her husband, Ben, in the newly planted Capital Collective Church in Washington DC. in the US. She has served in the full-time ministry in both Philadelphia (where she became a Christian in 1989) and in Indianapolis, but spent the bulk of her career as a journalist in Philadelphia, New Jersey and Ohio writing mostly about politics, education and business. These days, Joann can be found slaking her social justice thirst by mentoring and tutoring underserved students in inner city DC and serving on nonprofit boards. When she is not heading Ben’s fan club or wrangling Benjamin and Alex (her teenage boys), she can be found belly laughing with friends, traveling, enjoying the DC food scene or curling up with a good book (coffee in hand of course).