What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

By Pascale Haddad Yammine 

What do you do when nothing works out the way you thought it would? 

Most of us are conditioned from a very young age by this simple question: to think about what we should be doing in our life, in order to “Be Something.” We grow up searching for what is attractive, what is appealing, what is more reputable, what is more profitable and rewarding, in order to be recognized and feel valuable. Many find this formula and succeed, but when they reach their goal, they still feel that something is missing and they are not fulfilled as expected. 

When this happens, we start to question what went wrong, what did we miss, did we work hard enough, or did we invest our time, money and energy in the wrong place -- career, relationship, etc.

So, another question arises and that’s the question that we should’ve started with from the beginning – “Who am I? What do I like and dislike? What am I passionate about and what is repellent to me? What are my strengths and what are my weaknesses? And why do I have specifically those likes & dislikes, those strengths and weaknesses, both fantastic and horrific life experiences? Who am I or who am I supposed to be and who defines it?”

My course of life was something like this. I had always wanted to become a mother and have a wonderful family; I had always imagined what would it be like. But when I found my husband and we started this family, God had a totally different plan than the one we had in mind. We didn’t expect to lose -- in a very short period of time -- our jobs, careers, our life savings, and our most treasured relationships, due to an economic crisis that took place at the very same time that we discovered that our firstborn is a special needs kid. We had planned everything for a thriving family, for the future of our kids, for their surroundings. We didn’t expect to be thrown into the unknown in every aspect of our life without any stable foundation to rely on. 

God had a different plan. In the midst of all of these losses God met me and told me: “You are not defined by being an engineer, or by being a good wife and mother, nor by being a special needs mother, but by being MY CHILD. You don’t have to rely on anyone, on any job or any financial account to feel secure, you just have to rely on me. I am the only one you need to sustain you.” And after this revelation, I decided to be born again carrying this new identity as a child of God.

The funny thing is, just like in the normal course of life, as newborns and throughout our childhood, we rest and thrive in knowing that we are loved and cherished just the way we are. As we enter adolescence, suddenly our world is shaken and we tend to search for our identity and our purpose. The same thing happens in the spiritual course of life when we become born again Christians: we rest in the truth that we belong to someone, and not just anyone, but to God the creator of this universe; that we are loved just the way we are. But after a while we start searching for who we are in Christ. Like, what part am I from His body, and what am I supposed to do? Like now that I am a child of God, I must become someone special, right? Someone special! 

What does it mean to be special? And if I’m still looking to be special, did I really understand what God has done for me? 

Sometimes we have our own idea and picture of how we want to serve God and bring Him glory based on the examples we have seen around us, and on ways other people have done that and succeeded. If we don’t meet the criteria we have assigned for ourselves, we might fall into despair. We might start questioning God, “Why am I like this?” or “why am I not like that?” “Why did this happen to me?” Or “why didn’t it happen to me?” We can sabotage ourselves from activating the true potential God had already installed in us, using all the gifts & experiences we have acquired throughout our life. 

Sometimes we think that by having this new identity we should be totally unique and different from each other, so we keep a lot of our gifts for ourselves, thinking they cannot be of use, since someone else is already excelling in doing them. Or simply out of underlying pride, like “how can I present something that someone else has already been working on? Wouldn't that be considered copying? God definitely has other ways for using me.”

I have recently realized that, in my search for finding my authentic self, I was sabotaging myself and who God intended me to be. By looking at myself in relation to others I was just refusing the role God had already assigned to me.

I noticed that God has already blessed me with many gifts and I was not excelling in any of them. And this could only mean one of two things. Either I’m not using them enough which means I’m not trying enough, or not focusing on a specific one enough to give it fully to the Lord. And as I was praying and meditating, God reminded me of a verse someone sent me a few months ago: 

“I looked for anyone to repair the wall and stand in the gap for me on behalf of the land, so I wouldn't have to destroy it. But I couldn't find anyone.” (Ezekiel 22:30)

And I thought to myself, maybe I was blessed with many gifts so I can fill many gaps, so I can help in many needs, maybe this is the role assigned for me for the time being. All I have to be is a faithful servant. If I have learned something from my journey so far, as a special needs mom, it is that timeframe is a concept that doesn’t apply to us. What is a normal milestone expected from typical kids within a certain timeframe, is a great achievement celebrated after giving a lot of love, patience and hope. Being a child of God IS special. Being a child of God is atypical. And just like with a special needs child, we have to just keep going, keep trying, keep giving all we have with love, faith and faithfulness. Yes, the process might take so long but it is so worth it.

So who am I? I am who I am, a child of God carrying many features from my Father, ready to put them to work in the service of His other children and for His glory.