Broken Into Beautiful

Samenthur Blake, Hartford, Connecticut

Eighteen years ago, while living in Orlando, Florida, I sat in the living room of a young woman named Kendra for a women's Bible discussion. She asked the group, “What makes you beautiful?” At least once a year, I find myself reflecting on that question.

At the time, I had no ready answer. I was more focused on having the right answer, or a good answer, albeit a religious one. Today, I can say without hesitation that what makes me beautiful are my wounds.

2020 shattered my rose-colored glasses, and the following years continued to be the unwanted gift that kept on giving. I experienced the death of ideals and the loss of relationships I once valued. The pain of being misrepresented, enduring the sting of cancel culture, and feeling the bite of betrayal was a brutal onslaught that seemed never-ending. I struggled with anger, depression, and self-pity. Psalm 88, particularly verses 16-18, gave me words I couldn't form for myself:

"Your wrath has swept over me; your terrors have destroyed me. All day long they surround me like a flood; they have completely engulfed me. You have taken from me friend and neighbor—darkness is my closest friend." (Psalm 88:16-18)

In my dark cocoon of pain, Psalm 139 breathed life back into my soul in a very real and tangible way. Verse 7 says, "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?" It continues, "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there... even the darkness will not be dark to you." I knew this passage; I had read it many times. Yet, these last few years have created a transformative work in me because of my lived experience.

Despite this transformative work God was doing within me, I often found myself struggling beneath the surface in a river of self-pity and despair that threatened to derail my faith. Breathing became difficult, both spiritually and physically, and on many days I had to consciously remind myself to breathe. It became increasingly difficult to see myself as God saw me. My devotion to God, my values, and my convictions were continually being tested by waves of doubt and deep anguish crashing into me, threatening to completely engulf me. The spiritual fatigue almost caused my feet to slip, but God continued to keep His promise of not letting the river sweep over me.

I knew that God intended good, not harm, for me. Yet, like the man who said to Jesus, “I believe; help me in my unbelief,” I faced insurmountable waves of doubt threatening to rob me of the transformation God had planned for me. I struggled with the notion of God’s goodness. It was frustrating because I believed, yet unbelief was right there bullying me, peer-pressuring me to give up, and doing its best to confuse me.

How could God have such limitless love that it extended even to those who hurt and discarded me? The battle between my flesh and the Spirit left me gasping for spiritual air. I found myself thrashing in the waters of decision. Do I get in God's rescue boat, knowing the seats are also available to those who hurt me? Lord, I believe; help me in my unbelief.

“Is God good?” “Is He all-powerful?” If He is good, why is He allowing this hurt? If He is all-powerful, why doesn’t He make this all stop? During this tumultuous season, I continued to pray and read my Bible, often out of duty rather than desire. The scriptures tell us that the matters of the heart are deep waters, and it takes a person of understanding to draw them out. I felt like I was spending most of my time below the surface in an abyss of confusion and pain, with no one to draw out the matters of my heart.

If I'm being completely transparent, my desire for justice was stronger than my desire for my heart to be understood. But God knew better. Justice works both ways, and I am just as guilty before God as those I desire to condemn. I cannot cast the first stone because I am also not without sin. God is good, and He is powerful. In His mercy, He gives us the ability to choose righteousness, which these last few years have taught me is not always a linear path, but rather one fraught with sharp turns and deep rivers to navigate.

Thanks be to God for the beautiful women He placed in my life and the inspiring women of the scriptures. These women have and continue to teach me that if I wait to put on my spiritual armor when the battle comes, I have already lost. Years of deep Bible study, prayer, and practicing a daily office with God were the spiritual armor that sustained me through these dark times.

Despite my doubts and spiritual wavering, God remained constant and faithful. During one of the darkest moments of my spiritual journey, His love and grace taught me to forgive and love in ways I never thought possible. Gwen Smith’s song “Broken into Beautiful” eloquently captures my recent journey. The lyrics are:

She's smiling on the outside 
But she's hurting on the inside 
It's getting hard just living anymore 
And the shadows she has clung to 
Painful things that she has been through 
Have left her feeling worthless, Lord... but

You change worthless into precious 
Guilty to forgiven 
Hungry into satisfied 
Empty into full 
All the lies are shattered 
And we believe we matter 
When You change broken into beautiful…

I hope as we take the time to reconnect that this article has been a blessing to you. Before you move on from reading this post, I’d like to pose a question to you as well: What makes you beautiful? Don’t answer right away. Pray about it first. Reflect on it deeply. What makes you beautiful?

I am a blogger, wife, mother, new dog mom, and pastor with a deep-rooted love for my faith and community. Born and raised on the beautiful island of St. Lucia in the West Indies, I now call Connecticut home. My faith journey with Christ has spanned 27 years, and I can’t imagine a life not shaped by His teachings. I am passionate about studying the Bible with women, uncovering new insights from scripture, traveling, enjoying a good book, indulging in a bit of window shopping, and embracing all things related to the ocean.

• Originally published at https://browngirlsinthering.com/f/broken-into-beautiful