Crisis of Faith
Ksenia Kalmykova
My name is Ksenia Kalmykova. I am 38 years old. I have been married for 15 years. My son, Alexei, is 11 years old. My husband and I have been serving in the teen ministry for 15 years.
I have had an eventful life so far. I have been through the divorce of my parents; the loss of my father; moving from a small town to a big city; physical and emotional abuse; attempted suicide; postpartum depression; the death of my mother and the loss of close friends who left Jesus.
Looking back, I see a lot of pain, fear, disappointment, confusion and loneliness. I know that many of us have been through similar situations, times we felt destroyed and hurt. However, I can say that all those experiences have made me who I am today and brought me closer to God. These difficulties have revealed to me the heart of Jesus, helped me to know God and hold onto my faith.
Today I want to talk to you, openly, honestly and, most importantly, practically, about “crises of faith” in our lives. I will share examples from the Old and New Testaments, and from my life. With God’s help, I want to give you tools that will help you overcome crises and find God’s way.
Crisis
The word ‘crisis’ is very interesting. This word, when translated, means ‘decision’ and ‘turning point’. The question is: from what does one turn and in which direction should one turn?
Digging for Truth
We will look at the topic at hand in a “spring” like manner. After all, in the spring we work in the garden. As we study about crises in faith, let’s think of garden beds. We will dig our way to the answers concerning crises of faith.
In order for something to grow up out of the earth, one must select a site with good soil, clear it, and dig up the soil to loosen it. We will use this analogy to help us understand our hearts and lives.
Matthew 13:44 (NIV)
“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.”
The treasure is hidden in the field. In order to find it, the man had to take up a shovel and dig it out. During times of crises we may have to dig through the things that trouble us. Crises are transitional periods; they show hidden conflicts and imbalances. Hidden conflicts are not quarrels with friends, but imbalances within our hearts.
In gardening, we get rid of weeds, dig and loosen the soil so that it can be saturated in oxygen and other useful elements from down deep so plants can be healthy.
In a similar way, God digs up the soil of our hearts to help us be spiritually healthy. The Bible contains many examples of hearts that include weeds, rocks, thorns and the like. These are like crises. If we did not have crises that require digging and cultivating, our hearts would suffocate and stop altogether. Satan and the world are constantly pressuring our hearts and stamping on the soil so that the fresh greenery never sees the sun.
A Word of Caution - Be Careful
Our practical framework is scripturally based. How can a person stand firm and be confident in times of difficulty and affliction, but also be able to fall? Our foundation can be shaken. A few tremors are enough to make a person fall if he/she lacks the needed support.
1 Corinthians 10:12-13, Paul issues a warning about standing firm.
“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” (NIV)
Why does our faith decline? The passage does not end at the thought of temptations or trials. God promises, that He will not allow any situation to overcome us. He gives us a way out.
Such trials are normal, human tests, common to all mankind. Normal and human means that it is not beyond our measure. The one who is able to pass through the trial is the one to whom the trial comes. Let us remember this. It is not beyond our measure, we can pass it, because God gives us a way out and helps us out. This is a promise.
Real People – Real Crises
We will analyze some life examples. Here are some questions to think about.
- What situations does God give to dig into a person’s heart?
- How does this situation look through the eyes of a character from the Bible?
- What does this situation truly reveal in one’s heart?
- How does it help one go through a personal crisis and change for the better?
A Pebble Becomes a Rock
Peter was born into the family of Jonah, a simple fisherman, in Bethsaida. His original name was Simon (Shimon).
By nature, Peter was very lively, impulsive and hot-tempered; he was the one who wished to walk on water to Jesus, and it was Peter who cut off the ear of the high priest’s servant in the Garden of Gethsemane. Peter was present, together with James and John, on Mount Tabor when Jesus’ transfiguration took place.
On the night after Jesus’ arrest, Peter, as Jesus had predicted, showed weakness and, fearing persecution, renounced Jesus three times before the cock crowed. But later Peter sincerely repented and was forgiven by the Lord.
The book of Acts depicts how the apostle Peter preached with such power that five thousand people turned to Christ in one day; the sick were healed and the dead were raised. People held Peter in such high regard that they took the sick to lie in the streets so that even Peter’s shadow would heal them as he passed by.
Let’s turn to the Bible and go through our framework.
In John 1:42, Jesus gives Simon a new name meaning rock.
“And he brought him to Jesus. Jesus looked at him and said, “You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas” (which, when translated, means Peter).” (NIV)
In Luke 22:31-34, Jesus foretells a crisis of faith Peter will go through.
“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift all of you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.” But he replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death.” Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny that you know me.”
In Matthew 26:74-75, we see Peter in the very crisis Jesus predicted.
“Then he began to call down curses, and he swore to them, “I don’t know the man!” Immediately a rooster crowed. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken: “Before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.” And he went outside and wept bitterly.”(NIV)
Jesus promised Simon that he would become a rock. From Peter’s point of view, being questioned by the fire at the time of Jesus’ arrest was scary. Two women and a stranger were suspicious that he had a close relationship with Jesus. God dug into Simon’s heart and what came out? Fear of people. But could Simon have become Peter, the rock, if he were more afraid of people than of God?
In Acts 4:19-20, we see a changed Peter. He is not like the fearful man who denied Jesus. In Acts 4 we see Peter publicly proclaiming Jesus.Peter overcame his difficulty!
“But Peter and John replied, “Which is right in God’s eyes: to listen to you, or to him? You be the judges! As for us, we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.” (NIV)
Let us have a look at someone from the Old Testament – Jacob/Israel.
A Deceiver Becomes Devoted
Jacob is the son of Isaac and Rebekah and the brother of Esau. Acting on the instructions of his mother, Jacob deceived his father and deprived his brother of the blessings that he was due.
Upon receiving his undeserved blessing, Jacob travelled to his father’s homeland to find himself a wife. He fell in love with Rachel, was deceived by her father when he replaced Rachel with her sister Leah on the wedding night.
Jacob worked for 7 years to marry Rachel, and worked another 7 years as payment after marrying her (Gen. 29:20-27). Jacob was with Laban approximately 20 years before returning home (Gen. 31:38,41). On the way back home, Jacob wrestled with God, received a personal blessing and a new name from God, and reunited with the brother he had deceived. Jacob changed from a deceiver to a man devoted to God.
Let us look at some Bible verses of this story. I recommend you study this story in its entirety at home (Genesis 27-33). We will look at a few verses from these chapters.
- Genesis 27:11-12 (NIV)
“Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man while I have smooth skin. What if my father touches me? I would appear to be tricking him and would bring down a curse on myself rather than a blessing.” - Genesis 28:20-22 (NIV)
“Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the LOR] will be my God and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God’s house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth.” - Genesis 31:5-7 (NIV)
“He said to them, “I see that your father’s attitude toward me is not what it was before, but the God of my father has been with me. You know that I’ve worked for your father with all my strength, yet your father has cheated me by changing my wages ten times. However, God has not allowed him to harm me.” - Genesis 32:24-28 (NIV)
“So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” The man asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered. Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” - Genesis 33:3 (NIV)
“He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.” - Genesis 33:8 (NIV)
“Esau asked, “What’s the meaning of all these flocks and herds I met?” “To find favor in your eyes, my lord,” he said.” - Genesis 33:10-11 (NIV)
“No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably. Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need. And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.”
Jacob’s heart really changed. He was ready to share, and not take away! Jacob fought with God to receive a blessing. Jacob did not cheat. He received mercy from God and the honor of becoming the first in the family of Israelites. This was God’s decision. Jacob did not take this birthright from anyone!
There are many lessons about faith crisis in the Bible. Study out the stories of Sarah, Abraham and Paul. They also received their new names as signs of change. Reflect on these questions as you study:
- Try to understand which situations dug into their hearts?
- What did these situations reveal in them?
- How did these situations help them change?
Crisis with Family
I want to use an example from my life and analyze it using the framework used to analyze the aforementioned biblical characters.
A few years ago, I found out that my mother’s sister was in very bad shape because of a tumor. I consulted with my husband and he let me go for a couple of days to go and spend some time with my aunt. I have many relatives in Belarus.
Another one of my mother’s sisters and her three sons, my cousins with whom I am quite close, live there. The plan was simple. I was to arrive by train in the morning and leave for home the next day. As I travelled by train I prayed. I had no idea what awaited me.
My relatives and I gathered at the table of one of our homes. I tried to maintain a spiritual tone during our conversation, but I felt that I was defending myself and snapping at my relatives. We ended up talking about financial contributions to the church and leadership of the church. They have the false idea that the church steals money from honest citizens.
The mood was very low. I was able to get some time alone with my aunt. Everyone went home as I remained with her. I knew that I did not have much time. My aunt was very weak. The sun started to set. We spoke about various current affairs. But I still could not muster up the courage to talk to my aunt about Christ.
It was completely dark when I decided to open up my Bible. My aunt did not allow me to turn on the light. Things got to the point where she became completely exhausted and said goodbye. I tried to get some sleep, but I could not fall asleep.
Internal Wrestling
I realized that this was my last chance to tell my aunt about Jesus. I cried like a little child. I did not cry because my aunt was dying. I cried out of self-hatred for my cowardice and weakness. I asked myself, “What kind of disciple are you?” That was the main question.
I returned home crushed and broken. I hid from God. From my point of view the situation was terrible. I did not reach out to my aunt, and disappointed God and Christ. I felt I no longer had a place in the church.
A few weeks later my aunt died, so it turns out that really was our last conversation. I attended the funeral. I took a Bible with me for my other aunt. I travelled without expectations and hope. Hope disappeared.
God Moving
My Orthodox relatives used the services of an Orthodox priest for the funeral service. I felt unwanted. Then something happened. Something that was invisible to the eye. During the funeral, the priest chose some very comforting and deep passages of scripture. They penetrated my heart and gave me comfort.
Afterwards, I gave the Bible to my aunt. The other relatives asked why I had given a Bible only to my aunt. They also wanted to read the Word. This was my first shock.
An even greater surprise was my brother. My brother, the most critical of all my relatives, came to see me before bedtime. He said, “Well then, tell me about your God.” I was able share my faith with him and read several passages of scripture to him. He did not interrupt me once. This was the second thing that stunned me. Then he got up and said that “in a few years we will return to this conversation.” At that moment in time he was not ready to change his life.
A month later, another brother of mine moved to Moscow and began attending our church services. He even took part in giving financial contributions, which was the third thing that surprised me.
When his father became ill due to a tumor, my brother visited him and gave him a Bible. He said, “Your life is in the hands of God, read the bible every day, at least a verse per day. Seek God. Whether you live or die is up to Him.”
Finally, my third brother came to Moscow to visit. He also attended our church services. As a result of these things I began to share the Word and my beliefs with my relatives more.
Digging in My Heart
I realize that God had been digging in my heart. What changed? What did this reveal in my heart? What did God want to teach me through this crisis in my ministry?
It became clear to me that cowardice and the idea that I was the one changing this world were things deep in my heart. God showed me that it is He who opens the doors of faith and changes the hearts of people. I need to be bold, speak put for God, and let God work. Once again, I had to deal with my pride. I am learning to love my family more.
A Crisis of the Will
Since my days as a teenager, I dreamed of becoming a mother. I used to have dreams that I was pregnant. I was adamant that I would be a good mother. I am very patient, kind and able to take care of others well by nature.
I got married at the age of 24. It was clear to me that in a couple of years we would start thinking about children, but that was not obvious to my husband. This was not because he didn’t love children. He loves them very much. It was that he was 22 years old and did not work yet. He was a student at a medical university. It was this situation concerning children that revealed what was in my heart, like nothing else.
Firstly, I had strong conflicts at work with my new bosses. I felt that my bosses had a very unjust attitude towards me and my work. I cried a lot because of this. Then a ‘brilliant’ idea came to mind. I thought it would be great for me to stay on staff but go on maternity leave. I thought after a few years, everything would just take care of itself.
I began to put pressure on my husband and tried to convince him that I really needed to become pregnant. He was against this idea, but offered to try for a baby anyway. Many of my friends could not get pregnant, but I became pregnant right away. I joyfully went on maternity leave. I felt like I was a winner, everything was going so well.
Three months later, my world began to change. My boss was also pregnant and went on maternity leave. I just needed to be patient a little bit more. I had a mild pregnancy, but giving birth was very difficult. I went through my own personal hell: fetal hypoxia, intranarcous awakening and lack of milk.
After the birth there came a deep depression. Instead of joy, I felt devastation and loneliness, I was like a beast in a cage. I just wanted to be free and disappear. I stopped praying and reading the Bible. Nothing special had happened. Lightning did not strike and kill me. I ran from reality into an anime-like world and didn’t want to think about anything.
Gleanings
From my point of view, this challenge posed the following question: where is the joy of motherhood? This is a setup. Being a mother is not good. These are fetters.
This situation revealed the pride in my heart, a huge sea of pride, selfishness and weakness of my relationship with God. I did not trust Him. I wanted to decide everything myself, but God knew that I was not ready for this yet. I recognized my sins and repented before my husband for pressuring him and not trusting his leadership.
How did I survive? The Word of God in my heart saved me. The Bible was in my mind and heart. As soon as something happened, the Word came to mind. The Spirit worked. This period of my life had its consequences, like a scar.
Quiet times were no longer a habit for me. I had to fight to have them all the time. Because I was on the other side, I gained a greater understanding of my heart. My child revealed all the demons in me. I was not so kind and patient. Only now do I understand this. Seeing and understanding who I truly am humbles me every day. I thank God that He did not allow me to die spiritually; He gave me relief and a way out as promised.
Concluding Thoughts
If you are struggling and your faith is going through a crisis, then some important lesson from God awaits you. Do not run from this. Continue to believe, pray, seek God’s will and His way.
Many of you are familiar with instances when someone asks you to pray for everything to be okay in life and for challenges to end. But who are we and who is God? What do we know about this person’s path in life? Why did God give him such a challenge/trial? What will it teach him? Will he be able to faithfully reach heaven if he does not go through it?
Pray for the well-being of your friends, for their physical and spiritual health, and for the mercy of God. Also pray for your friend to learn the lesson God has for them so that his/her heart will change for the better. God digs deep into our hearts so that we can see what we treasure on the surface. Finally, I wish to encourage you with one more passage from the Bible:
“Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the LORD promised on oath to your ancestors. Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you.” Deuteronomy 8-1-5 (NIV)
Love you.
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