I was Eighteen and I was Raped 

By Melissa, Asheboro, North Carolina

Rape. Unlawful sexual activity, most often involving sexual intercourse against the will of the victim through force or the threat of force with an individual who is incapable of giving legal consent. Often involving children, the mentally disabled, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception. The perpetrator has power over the victim. 

Rape. What an ugly word! Sexual assault, molestation, inappropriate touching, etc. These words don’t have the same impact or implication as the word “rape,” do they? It’s an ugly word because it’s an even uglier crime. It shouldn’t be glossed over. Rape causes such chaos in its victims. Shame, self-loathing, depression, and too many other negative emotions and feelings and why?? We didn’t do anything wrong. This was an act that was committed against us. For this writing, I’m simply going to discuss rape by a stranger or strangers.

I was raped, two weeks after my eighteenth birthday in 1985. The details are not the focus. It happened and it was awful. There were two perpetrators. I was in Phoenix, Arizona, at the time and one of the men was an illegal immigrant. If I need to refer to back to it, I will give more background, but the point is the rape didn’t define me or shape me as the person I am today. 

If you’ve been raped, the act doesn’t define you either. 

Please read that again if you need to. What defines me and what defines you, is not the event – it’s the way we react to the experience. 

As a daughter of God, what do you think He feels about it? I know how my earthly family felt about it and it wasn’t pretty. I know the vengeance my family wanted. 

I did the “right thing.” I called the police; I went to the hospital and had a rape kit completed. They know a rape took place. Despite the facts, the DA dropped the charges without informing me first. This was acceptable legal procedure at the time, and it was crushing and scary. They didn’t believe that I would make a credible witness. In all fairness, looking back, they most likely did me a huge favor. Being called a whore in open court, which would have been the implication, is something that probably would have been harder for me to get over than the act itself. I most likely would have lost my temper on the stand and then there’s the matter of it all being public record. (Exodus 20:16)

The one thing that I did have faith in was God, though I was not yet a disciple at the time. I knew that the punishment He would inflict on the men that did that to me would be so much worse than anything I could have done, or my family could have done to them. I have taken complete comfort in this knowledge. Not that I want someone else to hurt like I did; but the fact is, God is in control even when we are out of control. If He tells us, as in 1 Corinthians 6:18, that for those who have consensual sex outside of marriage, that it’s an explicit act against the Holy Spirit, how much more do they think He would respond to forced violence against the Holy Spirit?

Predators have become craftier in selecting their victims. It is easy to spot a monster, but one disguised behind a dazzling smile or a big bank account and lots of charm -- they’re a little harder to pick out. So how do we decide to trust anybody? Well, it goes back to trusting God. 

I picked out both of my husbands; neither was a disciple. That never works out. I know there are cases where a woman “fell away” and got married and then came back and the husband followed. Amen. It can happen; but you don’t have to do that. God may have a husband for you, but He wants you to focus on Him and not on finding a husband. You want a husband that loves God more than you. You want a man that supports your relationship with God because that man is going to help you make it to the end. He will be your partner in Christ. He won’t try to divide your loyalty or throw Scripture in your face about “being submissive” and doing what he says. He would be right, but a man of God wouldn’t do that to you. There is a significant difference in being submissive and subservient. I’ve had to learn to be submissive with my strengths whether I’m married or not. This is hard for a strong-willed, hard-headed, self-reliant, prideful, mostly-single mom, who’s always had to take care of herself and others like me. However, I’m living proof it can be done. 

When I surrendered all to God, I surrendered not only the bad but the good. Will I ever get married again? I don’t know. We never know what God has planned for us but if I’m single until the day I die, I’m ok with it. If getting married means that I would take my focus off God for maybe the next 20 years if I live that long, no, I wouldn’t want to be married. 20 years is nothing compared to eternity.

I want you to remember what I said at the beginning. The violence that you survived does not define you. It hurt, it was disgusting, and it is one of the most horrible things one can go through. You can get through it. Your reaction to it will define you for the rest of your life. It’s been almost 40 years now, and until I was approached about writing this, I don’t even think about it. Looking back now, I can honestly say that I am not grateful for the experience. I can say, however, that I am so very grateful how God pulled me through it. 

If you need help in releasing your pain and anguish over what someone else has done to you, please get help. This is obviously not an all-inclusive tutorial on getting through rape. I hope it’s a start, though. If you feel more comfortable talking to a stranger, there are hotlines, but you can also reach out to me. I may not have all the answers, but I do have experience and I do have two ears for listening. Sometimes we just need to let it all out, without hearing advice about how we should feel, because we all deal with things differently. Feelings are not sinful. Acting out on sinful feelings is where you will get into trouble with God and most likely, with the law. I didn’t get to be a confident woman overnight. That simply takes time. But you will be able to look back at this, as you will look back on any tragic time in your life that you got through, and you will see how far you’ve come. Regardless of our differences, without Christ, healing is almost impossible to fully achieve. However, with Christ, all things are possible!

God ‘s love for you is deeper and stronger and more committed to you than any hatred, resentment, desire for revenge, or retaliation you could feel over some ungodly idiot that hurt you for a moment in time. (Proverbs 19:11; Romans 12:19) Even at what you may perceive as your weakest moment, God was there; God is there; and God will see you through it, in ways that are unimaginable. He promises that in Romans 8:28, and there are no qualifications.

 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Unless a really bad man rapes you, God can’t handle that.  – OOPS, no, it doesn’t say that, does it? Read it again…. Romans 8:28: for those “who have been called according to his purpose;” and one step further, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him…” 

God’s got this and you. He loves you so very much. There is nobody in this whole creation like you. One thing that I did think about was that, in one sense, I suppose it was good that it happened to me, rather than happening to someone else who may not have kept their head together. I am by no means bragging, but I am good in a crisis and good at keeping calm and using my head. I was in that instance, anyway, and for that, I am grateful. Someone else might have been raped and killed and that would serve no one. 

If you are struggling with something that happened to you and you have not dealt with it, deal with it now. It will be a stumbling block for you if you don’t and that keeps you from growing and from getting to where God wants you to be. My go-to is prayer. That’s always a good place to start. If you are having trouble praying, well, this should be a red flag for you, but if you don’t feel like you can go to God, go to someone you trust. Go to your family group leader, your women’s minister, or to a spiritual woman you trust.  If you are still having trouble, again, RED FLAG aside, realize this is keeping you from having the special relationship God wants to have with you. Don’t let ANYTHING or anyone interfere with your precious relationship with Jesus. Call the hot line, call me! Call someone. Please fee free to reach out to me if you have any questions or need help or if it feels like I didn’t explain things properly. 

I love you all!

Melissa 

mamaward46@gmail.com 

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; 

Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.