'The more I know of the world, the more am I convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!' 

Marianne Dashwood wears her heart on her sleeve, and when she falls in love with the dashing but unsuitable John Willoughby, she ignores her sister Elinor's warning that her impulsive behavior leaves her open to gossip and innuendo. Meanwhile, Elinor, always sensitive to social convention, is struggling to conceal her own romantic disappointment, even from those closest to her. Through their parallel experience of love—and its threatened loss—the sisters learn that sense must mix with sensibility if they are to find personal happiness in a society where status and money govern the rules of love.1

In the novel Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austin, she explores the delicate balance between ‘sense’ (all the emotion we are capable of feeling) and ‘sensibility’ (exhibiting good judgement despite the emotion we feel). The main characters she created embody these qualities fully and Austin reveals the pros and cons of both.

In this article, I’d like to examine the challenges of navigating life as a Christian single mom with the use of our senses and the stabilizing effects of sensibility.

When ‘Senses’ Take Control

God gave us all our five senses, and for good reason. Our senses enable us to fully experience life. In addition to our senses, God also gave us the ability to feel emotion. And just as He feels emotion (love, hate, joy, sadness, etc.) so do we. But what happens in our lives when feelings take the driver’s seat?

Most women, not just single moms, can attest to moments in their lives when decisions were made based on emotions, feelings that were off the leash and running ramped. I can’t remember a story like this that ended well. For single moms, many of their stories include a moment, times in their lives, or even describe a lifestyle of emotion-filled decisions with lifelong consequences. 

God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, strikes a balance in everything. Yes, He gives us emotions, feelings, and senses, but He also provides the antidote to those sometimes unreliable attributes that may lead us down a precarious path. 

1. His Son, the Example

Hebrews 4:15

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.

Interestingly enough, we don’t tend to think of Christ as emotional or driven by his feelings. Yet this verse states he was tempted just as we are. Jesus felt emotions, his senses were engaged, he experienced all the feelings any of us go through, and yet, he did not sin.

2. His Word, the Standard

Psalm 18:30

As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.

Although we may face scenarios and decisions of many kinds, if we rely on God’s word we will be protected.

 3. His Spirit, the Guide

John 16:13

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

And lastly, God’s Holy Spirit is available to us for guidance, especially when we’re not sure what to do or feelings cloud our decision-making faculties.

Finding balance

As women, our senses are a big part of what makes us the fairer sex. Our ability to feel deeply and sense intuitively are blessings, however, they must be kept in check. What is God’s counterbalance for feminine emotions running amok? Men. Yes, that’s right, men. In God’s plan of marriage (one man and one woman) He built in the ideal ratio of masculine and feminine energy for raising children. 

This is not a message we hear often outside of church.  Yet I have seen in my own marriage, that when each one is faithful to his or her God-given role, the result can be a harmonious blend of teamwork, perspectives, and insight. This gives glory to God.

So, what do you do if your child’s father is not in the picture? 

Seek out a male influence for your children (and yourself)

All children need the influence of a male adult in their lives, not just boys. Studies show that children grow up more balanced, self-assured, and have more confidence when they have had positive male influences in their formative years2. This can come from a grandfather, uncle, leader at church, basically any male who is trustworthy and reliable. Children need a male reference. They need to see how a man acts, speaks, and deals with situations. They need to see healthy inactions between their mom and men. They need to have and consider the male perspective.

Men and Women

The textbook example of this dynamic is a child at a playground. The child falls off a jungle gym and begins to cry. The female in the child’s life is there in a flash worried and upset which almost encourages more tears. The male in the child’s life checks for injury and then proclaims, “You’re fine. Walk it off. Climb back up there.” Who’s right? Apparently, the child requires a little of both influences in his/her life to strike a balance. That’s why men and women react so differently to the same situation.

Male Perspective

Children need that male perspective, but women do too. I can remember times when our children were young and I had reactions to situations that were exaggerated and emotion-filled. Like the time we noticed our seven-year-old son was developing facial tics. It seemed like out of nowhere he began blinking and squinting excessively. My knee-jerk reaction was to worry and obsess. My husband said calmly, “Don’t worry. Kids do this sometimes. We’ll take him to see someone.” Which we did. The doctor recommended a specialist who worked with nervous disorders and after a few short sessions and some orientation about how to alert our son that the tic was happening, my son became aware of what he was doing and little by little stopped. 

Another example took place many years later when my daughter was in her early 20s and unable to decide what to do with her life. If I had been left to my own devices, in my fear of the future and my desire to control situations, I would have nagged and henpecked her about it until I had ruined our relationship. My husband’s approach was, “Leave her alone. She’ll figure it out.” Which she did. And very well, I might add.

I needed that equilibrium in raising our children. If I had not followed my husband’s lead in those situations (and many others) I most likely would have caused irreparable damage. 

The great challenge for solo moms is trusting male leadership, believing someone else loves their children as much as they do, and yielding to the advice or guidance of another.

A Noteworthy Ministry for Single Moms

Many of our churches have help for single moms in the way of support groups, classes, and mentoring. There is a ministry that seems to be head and shoulders above the rest in terms of empowerment and discipleship of solo moms and it comes out of the churches in Indonesia. 

Beginning in the church in Jakarta, their single moms’ program is nothing short of amazing. Watch this brief video below to see what is taking place there. Maybe you can incorporate some of the ideas in your church.

Vania Salim, the vibrant and very capable women’s leader in Indonesia, put me in touch with some of the women in the Precious Women ministry. Although this ministry focuses on single women in various stages of life, for the purpose of this article I requested to speak to single moms. I asked four questions in regard to this article’s topic. Think about how you as a single mom may have answered. 

Questions

1. Have you ever overcompensated with your children due to the fact that you are a single parent? (For example: you are too hard on the children because you are alone and they need to take on more responsibility? Or you are too soft on your children because they do not have a father present and you try to make up for that with liberties and indulgences?)

2. Have you ever felt extra emotional about your situation due to the stress of raising children alone? Can you give a brief example?

3. Have you ever felt that your sensibility about decisions has been less balanced without the input of a male partner? Have you made decisions that later you regretted and you feel you wouldn't have made if you had some male influence in your family?

4. How has being a single mom enhanced your relationship with your children?