For the past few weeks, my husband and I have been practicing Sabbath. We’re still figuring out what exactly that looks like for us, but essentially, we choose to intentionally rest. Each Saturday, we wake up slowly – no alarms, no phones, no TV – nothing. Just us and God, and it has been amazing. Doing this has allowed me time to reflect on the beautiful ways in which God has moved in my life. I have been a nurse for about four years, and currently work in a cancer center urgent care. My wonderful husband and I have been married for almost three years. Between the sadness that comes with watching people suffer and learning how to navigate marriage, I hit some low points. However, when I compared journal entries from one year ago to this year, my mind was blown. God has opened my eyes and I have learned to find joy in my struggles, not shame. I want to share my weakness because I see how beautifully God works and turns our weakness into strength. Romans 4:25-5:11 summarizes all my thoughts. Through Jesus, we can glory in our sufferings. I share these journal entries in hopes that others – even just one person – could know they are not alone. God will move – and through persevering through our trials, we get to watch the Lord mold our suffering into perseverance,  then character, and finally into a hope that will not put us to shame. May God bless you and keep you as you learn to love Him all the more. 

Rachel P.

1/15/23

This journal is too beautiful for my thoughts. My thoughts are dark and muddled. I can’t quite grasp them. I just know that my soul is unhappy, I’ve known that for a while. What is my purpose? Why am I here? And how do I find- and keep- joy in my life? God have I made so many wrong decisions to get to this point? Has everything just been a mistake? I thought I was being led by you, I thought you were guiding me. Did I make that up? How is it that I feel so lost and depressed? I’m unhappy at work, I’m unhappy in my marriage. Just completely unsatisfied. Then I try to find my joy in you and I can’t. What is wrong with me that I can’t reach you? I keep going deeper and deeper down this path that leads to nowhere. Do you hear the groans of my soul? Are you aware that I have been steadily declining into depression? Please say yes. I want Tommy to rescue me, but he can’t. I want him so badly to be what I need, but he can’t. I want him to be kind and gentle and understanding and sympathetic, but he doesn’t know what to do. He’s honestly part of the reason why I’m so depressed if I’m being honest. It’s not his fault, I guess it’s just our personalities. God, please help me. I am faithless, help me to be faithful. Why am I so depressed and unsatisfied? Help me to not waste these years you have given me. How much longer will I be this way? Please help.

1/20/24

My heart has found the peace and joy it has longed for. I am filled with an inexpressible joy that for such a long time seemed out of reach. I have grown to love people- love the lost and the saved with a loyalty and fervor that only comes from God. It is not that I am always happy or don’t wrestle with negativity. Instead, I have grown in more love with my God. In doing so, I have grown in more love with his creation- humanity. I have a new sense of compassion I have longed for. Not the lack of boundaries that sends me into a spiral of hopelessness and depression. It’s a compassion that allows me to look at people and love them- somewhat like the love Christ had when he looked at the rich young man and loved him. Or when he had compassion on the crowds because they were like sheep without a shepherd. I cannot express enough that I am so far from being like Christ as much as I would like. However, I am able to catch little glimpses. And when I have the opportunity to show the love of Jesus to others, it makes me love him all the more. God has answered my prayer- to open my eyes to what I already have, not to give me more but to help me appreciate what he has already given. I would like to think that God rewarded that prayer, my heart has been so full of a love and joy I so desperately craved for the past few years. I look at my wonderful friends and just beam with pride. It is such a beautiful thing to have community- and my soul finds rest because I know God loves community. I love inviting people in and showing them the kingdom- the freedom to be yourself, the peace of knowing you will be taken care of. The relief that it is not what you do but who you are. And who you are is enough. Truly the kingdom of God is the most beautiful thing and by the grace of God I am part of it. The Lord has opened my eyes to see what is good and my heart is so grateful. I have a marriage that is not perfect but that is real and authentic and protected by God himself. I have a family of believers that also are not perfect but real and authentic and protected by God himself. Though my job is taxing and can drain me if I am not careful, with God it is becoming the most perfect venue to show love to a suffering world. I have had countless opportunities to be side by side with the sick, hopeless and vulnerable- what I believe to be Jesus’ most cherished kinds of people. I get to serve people. Although healthcare is irreversibly broken, I get to be one tiny cog in the machine that brings life- true life- to people who are quite literally dying. I get to hold the hands of people who may never have been truly loved in their entire lives, I get to have eyes of compassion on those who have been broken and tossed aside. I get to celebrate the victories and cheer people on even if they are fighting a losing battle. Yes, this job has changed me and chipped parts of myself away- to the point where there are times I don’t even recognize myself and I can no longer feel. However, with just a little bit of faith, I can trust that the pieces that are getting chipped away are no longer needed for the person I am becoming. And, if pieces are mistakenly chipped away, someone can reach down, and give that piece back to me. And keep on chipping away until the most beautiful statue is carved out of a piece of marble. And I am so beyond grateful for what is emerging out of the marble. I was someone who loved superficially, I am becoming one that loves deeply. And hopefully all the more as I learn to love the one who is molding me. Thank you God for who you are. In Jesus’ name, amen.