Jesus, My Healer

By Karen Alfaro, Lima, Peru

Hi there, I am Karen Alfaro, and I attend the Church in Lima, Peru, which is in South America. I am 44 years old, married, and have two young daughters. I want to share with you today what God did for me to get me through a tough time filled with a lot of emotional and mental obstacles. I am convinced that He can improve many facets of our lives.

I clearly remember October 21, 2021, a fasting day with my small group in Lima Church. We had been praying and studying the Gospel of Luke, and the concordance in chapter 4 led me to this passage in Isaiah 61:

¹ The Spirit of the Lord God is on me. The Lord has chosen me to tell good news to the poor and to comfort those who are sad. He sent me to tell the captives and prisoners that they have been set free.

² He sent me to announce that the time has come for the Lord to show his kindness, when our God will also punish evil people. He has sent me to comfort those who are sad, 

³ those in Zion who mourn. I will take away the ashes on their head, and I will give them a crown. I will take away their sadness, and I will give them the oil of happiness. I will take away their sorrow, and I will give them celebration clothes. He sent me to name them ‘Good Trees’ and ‘The Lord’s Wonderful Plant.

Reading and praying that day, I realized beyond all doubt that Jesus had come to free me from a yoke that was causing me suffering, as well as to forgive me through baptism. From an early age, I experienced internal voices that repeatedly caused me pain and, when I was most vulnerable, pulled me into situations from which I found it extremely difficult to recover. Undoubtedly, these voices were speaking to me and guiding me repeatedly, even after my baptism. I even thought they were speaking for God. I frequently felt inadequate, guilty, and ashamed because that is how I lived, and I thought I was different from the other sisters. With all these difficulties, trying to maintain the faith was incredibly discouraging and exhausting for me.

A year earlier, at the height of the pandemic, with so many deaths around her, my mother-grandmother unexpectedly passed away in my home. She died of a cardiac arrest in my arms, and she was the closest person I have ever seen go. Saying our goodbyes, we all grieved for her. For the entire family, she was someone special. After her funeral, I sobbed uncontrollably, and the grieving phase began.

I began to lose weight a month after my grandmother's funeral (during the pandemic, I lost approximately fourteen pounds because of anxiety), and I also began to experience chronic abdominal pain and bleeding. After nine arduous months of treatment and testing, the serious infection I had in my uterus cleared up.

Before I continue, let me explain that even though I spent my childhood with my parents, I mentally developed maladaptive schemas. Maladaptive schemas—dangerous ways of thinking—develop in children when their basic emotional needs are not satisfied during their development. I formed the schemas of emotional deprivation, abandonment, mistrust, imperfection, confused attachment, unachievable standards, vulnerability, subjugation, and self-sacrifice. However, in 2020, I was not cognizant of any of these schemas; instead, I became affected by the challenging events taking place and became emotionally activated. That year, my body began to speak and express itself in a variety of ways due to the intense emotional activations that occurred. In addition to the severe infection in my uterus, I also experienced changes in how my stomach normally functioned, hormonal issues, anxiety, palpitations in my heart, insomnia, weight loss, etc.

I am also aware of something that I believe was very harmful to me at this point in my life: mental distortions. We all have some kind of distortion, even though we frequently are not aware of it. These distortions cause us to perceive the world, ourselves, other people, and even God in ways that are uncomfortable to some extent. For Christians, a positive relationship with God depends on how we see Him. We will find it extremely difficult to cling to God's love and truth if we allow our thoughts to distort Him, which leaves us open to attack from all directions. I recommend speaking with a mental health professional if you would want to learn more about thought distortions. 

By October 2020, I had personal experience with the symptoms of an anxiety attack. Have you ever been awake through the entire night? Two nights? Three? It is incredible how anxiety can obstruct our prefrontal cortex and how poor or interrupted sleep prevents our bodies from repairing themselves. Among the worst days of my life, I remember with regret, my third insomniac night. My body was failing, I could not control my nervousness, and my two small girls relied on me and my husband, who was also very tired by this point. One memory I have from that day is that my daughters asked me to sing to God (we were working on a home school project because of the pandemic's social distancing), and we sang together even though I was feeling like I was crumbling on the inside. God gave me strength that morning in the form of my daughters' love. Later that evening, I called a doctor for advice, and she informed me that I needed to take medication right away to fall asleep. I was terrified because I had heard so much about the dangers of pill dependence, but I forced myself to do it because I had never taken drugs to fall asleep before and it was the best thing I could do that night.

The path to healing 

Moses lifted up the snake in the desert. In the same way, the Son of Man must also be lifted up. Then everyone who believes may have eternal life in him.” (John 3:14-15)

Initiating and maintaining ongoing psychotherapy was crucial to my emotional healing. To get help, I had to be willing to open my heart and mind and reveal all the things I was dwelling on. I also recall thinking negatively about a variety of Church members and circumstances in addition to catastrophic thoughts, thoughts of unreachable standards, accusations, or feelings of insecurity. My family is hardworking and supportive of others, but we also have a critical, demanding, and accusing side. Those negative voices will steer me away from God and His Church if I do not allow the Scriptures to direct my thoughts. I have come to realize that harboring unfavorable opinions about someone can cause you great harm. This is especially true if you are close to someone who harbors resentment toward others, as their criticism and judgment of others damages the hearts of those who hear it. For my emotional and mental healing, I made the wise decision to stop listening to this type of conversation.

One of my dear sisters, who works as a psychotherapist, gave me advice that helped me start moving past this whole crisis: "Do a study on how Jesus treated people." I had to do it, because I had so many mental distortions and a blockage in my prefrontal cortex, leading me to believe that God was a grumpy, punishing person who was not going to protect me and was disappointed in me. I was so full of disappointment and guilt that I felt like I was failing Him by being this way. That is when my healing started because I took a notebook and began researching the persona of Jesus in the Gospel of John.

Imagining how Jesus lived among the people, loving them all—foreigners, teachers, men, and women, the sick, Pharisees, and even his own apostles!—was really motivating for me because I realized that he also treated me in this manner. At that point in my life, I desperately needed security, respect, compassion, and appreciation, and I found all that in Jesus. I appreciate Jesus' exceptional warmth toward the weak, and I am in awe of his mercy and endurance toward them.

I started to fight against my maladaptive schemas and thought distortions by turning to Jesus, and I used important scriptures to help me get rid of harmful and false ideas. Hebrews 4:14–16 was one of the scriptures that I found most helpful.

 We have a great high priest. He has gone up into heaven. He is Jesus the Son of God. So let us hold firmly to what we say we believe. We have a high priest who can feel it when we are weak and hurting. We have a high priest who has been tempted in every way, just as we are. But he did not sin. So let us boldly approach God’s throne of grace. Then we will receive mercy. We will find grace to help us when we need it.

I faced my harsh, critical side with this scripture, and I still do it today. Keeping this verse in mind as I pray has helped me to heal from the constant criticism I hear from my inner critic. God has therefore given me strength in this area of my life. In addition to this scripture, God has given me few more that have helped me fight a fierce internal battle with myself and overcome extremely tough times. Thoughts and voices from our early years are so embedded in us that they frequently lead us without our awareness, as the Spirit states in 2 Corinthians 10:4-6.

The weapons I fight with are not the weapons the world uses. In fact, it is just the opposite. My weapons have the power of God to destroy the camps of the enemy. I destroy every claim and every reason that keeps people from knowing God. I keep every thought under control to make it obey Christ. 6 Until you have obeyed completely, I will be ready to punish you every time you do not obey.

Not every procedure is simple

The succeeding months were successful. My body was healing and releasing feel-good chemicals because of my renewed sense of joy at realizing God's love, provision, and faithfulness. Although the circumstances in my environment remained unchanged, I was learning to direct my thoughts toward everything honorable, compassionate, and good—that is, to submit them to Christ. It took months for the body, mind, and emotions to heal. Though it was a fact that I had experienced extreme physical strain over the previous year, my body started to experience extreme emotional vulnerability once more in August 2022 following my two COVID-19 vaccination doses. At this point, my nervous system was failing to control itself, which was causing me to enter a depressive state rather than just something in my thoughts.

Although there is so much information available these days on depression, it consumed me. It robbed me of my purpose in life and prevented me from experiencing the joy that comes from knowing God, raising a family, and just being alive. I now have a better understanding of why people commit suicide. It is really challenging. There were days when I did not want to get out of bed or wake up, but I had to because my husband was having trouble making ends meet during the pandemic and we had two girls who needed to have breakfast. All praise and honor go to God! During those nights when I was unable to sleep, I would go to the living room and kneel before God, pleading with Him to give me the strength to go on. I do not mean to exaggerate when I say God carried me through that period and gave me the strength to go on supporting my family. I tried to persevere, but I had already reached my limit and my body was not supporting me. My psychotherapist then informed me that I needed the assistance of a psychiatrist. At that point, I had given myself over entirely to prayer. I also searched for various Scriptures.

I was embarrassed, scared, and anxious about the thought of taking medication from a psychiatrist to control my emotions and go back to sleep. I also questioned my faith, worried about what other people would think, and felt a great deal of regret and fear. I still vividly recall my reluctance to see a psychiatrist, my prejudices regarding this matter, and my increased vulnerability because of my fear of what would happen if I had to rely solely on medicine to get better. I am young, and I wondered: "what is this all going to end up in? How am I going to look after my girls? How will my relatives react? I went to pray and begged God to help me because I felt like I had run out of strength and was in desperate need of help. Eventually, I was unable to fight off my anxiety and depression. After I concluded my prayer that evening with very particular requests to God, my twelve-year-old daughter answered the landline phone (which no one used) and said, "Mom, it is someone who wants to talk about God." So I answered, and when I heard what this stranger had to say about Jeremiah 29:11, that she had experienced anxiety attacks, that she had taken medication years prior, and that the Bible had greatly assisted her in changing her perspective, I was deeply moved, consoled by her candor, and inspired by the Bible, but most of all, I thought to myself, "God, you are real." This episode reminds me of the passage in the Bible where Gideon asked God for a sign so he could feel secure. I noticed a subtle change in my faith that evening. Friends and family who know me well know that I try to strengthen my faith through the Scriptures rather than through chance events or stories of miracles. However, on this occasion, God's response through this phone call fed my faith in a different way, and I went to sleep feeling comforted by the one and only true God, who has the power to move heaven and earth for his children.

Change of Mind

Mind Change is the title of the book that I began reading concurrently with receiving psychiatric treatment from a highly compassionate physician. Written in English by Thomas A. Jones, who is a brother in faith.

God's plan is for us to be Overcomers! One of the amazing things about this book (which I highly recommend reading!) is how Tom sought the Scriptures to change his mind even in the face of extremely trying circumstances. Like Christ triumphed. I am motivated to learn how this man overcame significant obstacles in his life and health because of my childhood vulnerability schema! While the list of heroes in the faith found in the book of Hebrews 11 is truly amazing, it is also a gift from God to witness the lives of men and women today who strive to overcome in faith and who work hand in hand with God to overcome many obstacles and terrifying situations that even the most courageous cannot face.

God used Tom to help me remember that being sick does not have to take away from your faith or your life in Christ. It is just a part of our journey through this world with a mortal body.

My ten anchors

Finally, I feel that over the past two years—I recently completed my psychiatric treatment—constantly searching the Scriptures, crying out in prayer, and receiving the assistance of the Spirit have allowed me to find a secure spiritual place that I can call home. This is my new way of thinking.

This structure is what I have named "My ten anchors."

Every single one has a backstory that explains how it became an integral part of my thoughts. I have drawn these and placed them on the wall of my bedroom and in my kitchen so that I can remember every day what God has done for me during this healing process. I think the reason He gave them to me in the fullness of His love was because He knew I needed them to live the life He wanted.

God loves me and everyone else incredibly. I believe that He will not give up on me, because I have seen Him do so. I have also seen Him employ a multitude of means to encourage, strengthen, endure, and shape me into the image of His dear Son.

My anchors are these:

1. God is merciful (Luke 15:11–31).
2. I belong to the Covenant of Grace (Romans 5:1-11).
3. Jesus is important! (Colossians 1:15-20 and Hebrews 12:2).
4. His Word: A lamp unto my feet (Psalm 19:7).
5. Heaven: eternal happiness! (Luke 10:20).
6. God can do so much more (Ephesians 3:20).
7. I address my worries. (Luke 8:14).
8. Purpose-driven life (Romans 12:1)
9. Jesus: the one who stands up for and supports me (1 John 2:1-2).
10. Change your way of thinking (Romans 12:2).

I hope and pray that what I have shared with you today will be enlightening and that it will lift someone who is experiencing a trying period emotionally. Amen! I praise our God who uses what He desires to help His beloved children.

I conclude this article with these scriptures to reflect on:

You tried to harm me, but God made it turn out for the best, so that he could save all these people, as he is now doing. (Genesis 50:20)

Let us keep looking to Jesus. He is the one who started this journey of faith. And he is the one who completes the journey of faith. He paid no attention to the shame of the cross. He suffered there because of the joy he was looking forward to. Then he sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:2)

The law of the Lord is perfect. It gives us new strength. The laws of the Lord can be trusted. They make childish people wise. (Psalm 19:7)